On The Brain...

So what's on the mind of Krista today?

It being the day after elections, I could start by saying how much I'd like an elephant to stomp all over my liberal donkey friends.  I will say no more than this, however: if this country is in worse shape in four years, you can't blame me: I voted Romney.

I just finished The Hunger Games - the book - yesterday, and whoa, it is amazing!  I can't wait to see the movie now.  I also can't wait to start the next book in the series.  I really haven't read any books (for pleasure) since last spring, so it feels really good to put on my big, comfy bathrobe and curl up with a great novel.  = )

For those of you who don't see me and catch up with me regularly, I should tell you that my right wrist - which I injured last semester (playing piano, not violin) - felt stressed out about two weeks ago, so now I'm on a short hiatus from pretty much every kind of instrument playing (including, much to my dismay, violin).  Hopefully, because the pain didn't actually come back, and I caught it early, I can avoid the months of healing that I was forced through last semester.  My teachers and doctors are also optimistic.

But in lieu of my practice time, I suddenly realize that the rest of the free world (i.e. other professions) have it pretty damn good.  I mean, all the free time I suddenly have?  It's disgusting.  And by disgusting, I mean, it's disgusting that everyone else gets this as a norm, and I only get to have it so I don't re-injure my wrist.  I'm not going to sit here and say that my life is so much harder that everyone else's.  Oh, wait - yeah, I am.  Because it is.  People who are not career athletes or artists do Not understand my lifestyle.  I get home from work (rehearsal), and I have to practice.  My 'fun' is not done after work.  Most people can separate their home life from their work, but I can't; I literally carry mine everywhere with me.  Playing music for a career is a curse and a blessing; and while I'm in the throes of finishing a degree that feels like it's killing me, it seems like more of a curse.

However - as I was saying - I suddenly have a ton of free time now, which isn't something to complain about.  I've been catching up on my TV and movie watching, as well as catching up on my social time and relaxing enough to even make me a little stir crazy!  It's great.  I'm going to my friends' recitals, spending more time in the fun parts of the library (movies, and fiction books), finishing the tasks I've been meaning to get to (cleaning, and miscellaneous errands) - all that good stuff.  Oh, and I finally have time to put some more music in my iTunes - because, after all, 61 GB of music isn't enough... = P  (Before my hard drive bit the dust last year, I had something to the effect of 175 GB of music.  Not including my audiobooks and podcasts.)  So, in actuality, it isn't enough.  = )  What can I say?  I love music - all kinds!

I've been complaining and ranting about pretty much everything lately, and I'm feeling less and less like myself the more I do.  The things I'm learning about myself are not quite as numerous as the things I already knew before I came here.  Above all, I find that routine wears me down more than anything else.  I want a life full of adventure - where there's no set schedule, and things - Good things - happen unexpectedly, all the time.  I want to travel, and damn, how hard do I have to beg?  I want a husband, already!  Not a stick in the mud guy, but someone who sees life like I do: as not a thing to be survived, but a thing to be lived!  I want someone as full of passion and vitality as me - someone who acts young, no matter their age.  I want someone who sees marriage not as settling down in some suburbia and having kids and a minivan, but someone who wants to travel the world with me, do different things every day, and capture my heart with romantic things (either in words or gestures).  I don't want the perfect man; I want a man that's just right for me.

You know that feeling when you're putting a puzzle together, and you're looking for a certain piece, but nothing you try fits?  That's my romantic life.  Is there a guy out there, who wants to travel the world, who is passionate and vital in spirit, who doesn't want kids, and is romantic - and wants to live the rest of his life with... me?  Me, with all my flaws?  I guess we'll see.  For today, at least, I feel optimistic.  Maybe, after all... there Is a key for this lock that is me.  = )

Cynicism & Me

Guys want kids.  All of them.  At least, all that I've met.  So when it comes to this, I feel ultimately isolated.  I'm that girl that husbands talk about leaving to get the woman they settled down and had a family with - the one who 'didn't want kids'.  It's a deal-breaker; it really is.

I'm a woman.  Thus, I'm supposed to want kids.  Is that... it?  You take one look at my gender, and you automatically make that assumption?  And THEN, you judge me for not wanting them?  How dare you.

Every guy you meet will tell you that there are guys out there who don't want kids.  I hate that sentiment.  It's clear that they're trying to make me feel better about being 'different'.  What they're really thinking is, 'good luck ever getting married, sister'.  And you know what?  They're right.  Hell, I guess I should just give up on marriage already.  What a stupid hope, for someone with such a strong personality as me.  Men don't want a strong woman; they Say they do, but they really don't.  They want a woman who's good in the kitchen, good in bed, and bears their children.  Oh, and she's human.  Forgot about that.  Because when you're a woman, and these are your basic expectations, you do tend to forget that what men want is a human being.

And though I can get my hopes and expectations set too high at times, I am pretty realistic when it comes to 'real-life' guys.  I talk big for a little girl; I'm an idealist, what do you expect?  Maybe that scares guys off.  But that's the thing: guys are supposed to be conquerors, right?  So... why am I still standing here on the sidelines?  Oh, that's right: I'm 'different'.  (I.E. I'm picky.)

I don't expect the world from a guy.  But I Do hope that he will try and give me what he feels is even more than my worth.  I do want a guy to be romantic with me; no, I don't mean romance-movie romantic, but hell, roses never hurt a guy, right?  But my personality just isn't conducive to it.  I'm just not anyone's ideal.

I keep waiting for him to walk through the doors and into my life - the guy who's looking for a girl just like me.  But it's not happening.  I have doubts about the benevolence of life.  I don't Have to get married, or meet someone and fall in love.  Just because I want it, does not warrant me getting it.  And higher expectations doesn't mean finding someone great.  It means spending your whole life alone.  God doesn't have to bring me someone so I'm not alone.  Who knows if I'm even the person He made me to be?  God loves me; why isn't that enough for me?  Who cares if I stay a virgin the rest of my life?  I never wanted intimacy anyway... (sarcasm)

Somewhere in the midst of an oncoming hurricane, my ex-boyfriend is laughing.  Because even though I was a great catch, he dumped me and he's going to find someone.  And I'm still standing here alone.  To say life isn't fair is an egregious understatement.  Life is a screw-over, big time.

Unfortunately, I garnered more of my father's personality traits than my mother's, which means I have a tendency toward negative thinking - and for voicing every single thought in my head, damn the consequences.  You don't want to hear any of this.  But here I am, saying it for an audience of no one, as usual.

When I told my sadistic ex that I didn't think getting married meant settling down, he was surprised.  That's another thing that's different about me.  Sure, getting married is the end of being single, and the end of certain forms of independence.  But it's also the beginning of so many shared adventures, travels, experiences, and emotions.  It's the beginning of a beautiful love story... the stuff poems are made of.  I don't mean infatuation; I mean the things real love is made of.  I look at life from the rose-colored lenses of a romantic, and I know it.  But I don't know how else to see life.  It is, ultimately, a love story - or it is a boring set of meaningless events.  Work?  Job?  Great, who cares?  What I do with the violin is almost worthy of being called a subplot.  Sure, it's important.  But if I have not love... well, I have nothing.  At least, that's the way it feels.  (And so help me God, don't tell me I'm wrong; I've heard that so many times I could puke and that statement would come out in a bubble with the rest of my breakfast.)

And when people try and 'correct' my cynicism, I only get more angry and withdrawn.  I feel I have not resolved anything.  I believe it was Henri Nouwen who said something to the effect that true friends should sit with one another in the not-knowing.  I don't need to be told I'm wrong about guys.  Just be with me in my suffering, which I have shown to be as plain as day.  I don't know why I even bother posting on Facebook.  All anyone cares about on there is a superficial image that you're supposed to put up: that you're always happy.  And when you're not, no one wants to hear about it.  Well, I'm sorry I'm not Ms. 100% Content.  I was this close to deactivating my account today, because of the superficiality.  I'm so sick of it.  Everyone else's good news just makes me more pissed off.  Oh, and I love all of the engagements and marriages.  Salt, in my wounds.  Time for a Facebook hiatus.

No, I don't need to be told I'm wrong about guys.  Hell, I think I'm spot on, in some regards.  No... I'm waiting for someone to Prove me wrong.  But guess what?  I'm happy, and I'm unhappy; and if you can't love (or even like) all of me, then it's time we parted ways.  And no, I'm not sorry.  I am unapologetically and unabashedly me.  I just wish a man other than God would fall deeply in love with that 'me'.

Thoughts

I was on a plane last week, and I sat next to a lady who was clearly the arm of God reaching out to me.  We talked for a while about God and spiritual things, and I could hear God's voice telling me that He wasn't done with me yet.  'You think you're done, and you have no more left in you; you think your life is over.  But I say, I will finish the work I have started in you.'  That's what I heard Him say, in the after-silence of that conversation.

It gets me to thinking about how one event can change everything in someone's life - for better or worse.  One April night, almost seven years ago now, I met a man who would cause me five years worth of heartbreak, pain, anger, frustration, disappointment, bitterness... well, you get the point.  If I had never gone to that recital...

The point is not the regret itself, but the impact of one, singular event.  Chance meetings become relationships, which lead to happiness or regret; and one day, they become history, and we must deal with the consequences either way.

Sadly, it is not possible to live a life without regret.  Mistakes cannot be avoided.  We take chances in order to find love; and sometimes, we find only pain, instead.  But sometimes, when we are out of hope - but only rarely, because life isn't like a movie, where someone always comes along just when the pain begins - something happens to lift us out of the fog we've fallen under.  I don't know how long I've been in darkness; sometimes it seems like my whole life.

I don't know the plans God has for me.  He isn't required to write me a love story of any eloquence, or bring along a man who would be as romantic and determined as I am.  My heart is not healed.  I'm not ready to get back on the horse, so to speak, when it comes to love; maybe by the time I am, it will be too late.  I'm already twenty-five; and this society has a way of making me feel like an old maid.  By now, many of 'the good guys' are taken (and happily taken) by women who decided they wanted a family instead of a career.  I live in the darkness of my regrets because I live a life of duty and obligation, when all I want is to live as a young person - full of impulse, ready to take on the world and explore all of its wonders... before I get too old.  Time is passing, and all I do is the work required of me; I'm so tired... and because I feel so tired, I feel even more old.  Young people don't resign themselves to fate; they make fate their own.

So what do I really want?  I want to walk away from everything I've worked so hard to gain.  I want to be married, and married happily; I want to be in love for the rest of my life.  I want to play the violin the way I want, and not have anyone dictate to me week after week every way I am not doing it right.  I want to live somewhere where winter temperatures average about 50 degrees as a high, and drive my car with the top down in January just for the hell of it.  Screw insurance benefits - I never get sick, anyway; I want to freelance, make my own schedule, and sleep in until 10 am every single day.  (Well, Almost every single day...)  I want a simple life - a house in the country, some cats outside on the porch, and lots of people around who genuinely care about me.  I don't want to disappear into the background of some orchestra's vast numbers, or have a career that makes more money than the difference it makes in the lives of others.  

I'm tired of learning what other people tell me to learn.  I want to learn on my own terms.  This last year is by far the hardest.  I can see the end... and it can't come fast enough.

Wasteland

I hate Facebook.  That is to say, I hate looking at the (girl) friends in my life who have either blossomed into beauty, or have increased in beauty.  And I hate looking at people's statuses about how in love they are, or how happy they are with their someone.  I hate it all.  They are all a bitter reminder that, when I go home at night, I am alone... and there is no one there to tell me they're in love with me, or that I'm beautiful.

My beauty is for nothing.  That is to say, what beauty I have.  Some days I am astonished at how much more beautiful I am now, than I was in my younger days.  And other days, all I can do is stare in the mirror and wonder how other women managed to get God's blessing... and I just missed it.

If a tree falls in the woods, and no one hears or sees it, did it still fall?  And if I am beautiful, but no one sees it, am I still beautiful?

I am a warrior.  I am ready to do battle, with my sword and shield, against evil men, demons - hell, even the devil himself!  I am ready to fight for what I believe in.  Cursing out demons in my head just... doesn't cut it.  There's more to me than the image you see when you look at me.

I dream of two things: being in love, and being a warrior.

In real life, I am neither.  Ask me again (I dare you), how I'm feeling today.  How am I feeling any day of the week?  Without purpose.  Aimless.  Tired.  Sad.  Lonely.  Angry.  Frustrated.  Worn out.

God is not obligated to lead me to 'true love' - if 1) such a silly thing actually existed (and not just for other people, but for me); and 2) I believed I were actually able to fall in love again (which, thanks to my asshole ex-boyfriend, is less and less likely by the day...).  I thought, at one point in my life, that He was obligated to do so; but He's not.  I may be single, lonely, and virginal my entire life.

I am beautiful.

But I remain invisible.

When you are young, you believe you can have it all.  But you can't.  I never had the chance to get married, but still I have regrets.  I am twenty-five years old, with one degree, still in school, still single.  I have absolutely nothing to show for all my work.  Nothing but - at the end of this year - two damn pieces of paper... and an empty heart.

Someone Needs To Say It...

You're thinking it... and I'm saying it.

1. Someone needs to tell guys that - while kissing - if a little tongue is great, a lot of tongue is just Gross.  Every time it happens, I want to yell, 'Get your tonsil monster out of my throat before you actually cause me to throw up!'.  (But I don't.  Maybe one of these times, I will.)

2. Every time someone asks a lot of questions in a lecture class, I just want to throw something at them.

3. If I edited my Facebook home page to just the stuff I actually cared about, there'd be nothing left.

4. I think 'expressive intonation' is another way to say it's out of tune.  Seriously.  Don't bother me with this stuff.

5. Sometimes, I really do want to do it my way...  Even if it's the stupidest idea on the planet, and I Know that it is.

6. I want to run into my ex-boyfriend's next recital while he's playing and shout, 'YOU SUCK!' and run back out.  Just for the hell of it.

7. It's really not fair that Matt Bomer is gay.  I mean, he's got to be the most perfect looking man ever to have existed; and I don't have a shot in hell.  (Not like I'd have a shot in hell, even if he were Straight.  But, I digress...)

8. Hipster glasses are ugly.  Actually, I don't understand the whole hipster dress/whatever that fashion statement is supposed to mean...

9. When babies cry during church, I want their parents to pick them up and take them outside.  Just because I'm Catholic doesn't mean I should have to ignore/endure screaming children while I'm trying to worship.

10. For that matter, I don't like kids.  Not really.  I can smile at them, but deep inside, I'm thinking how grateful I am that I'm never going to have any.  That screaming kid in the grocery store?  Not mine.  The baby that never sleeps?  Not mine.  And No, I'm not going to change my mind.  Even the thought of marrying a straight Matt Bomer doesn't make me change my mind.

11. Sometimes, during a serious conversation, I want to say 'poop' randomly.  Just for the hell of it.

12. When people ask me what I'm going to do after I graduate, I sometimes want to tell them that I'm going to be a hobo and ride trains cross-country with my sack of clothes over my back and my can of beans in hand.  You know, just for the hell of it.

13. If I could marry any man in history, it would be Cary Grant.  Hands down.  He has absolutely no competition.

14. Alexander Hamilton - you know, the guy on the 10 dollar bill - is hot.  And I don't care How long he's been dead.

15. If you got it, flaunt it; and I got it, so I flaunt it.  And if you don't got it... well, please just put some clothes on, already...

16. I hate it when people crack their knuckles, necks, backs and every other possibly-crack-able bones in their body.  It makes me twitch.

17. When someone makes a vegetarian joke, or tells me they could never give up their meat, I want to laugh and say 'enjoy that rotting flesh that an innocent animal was strung up, throat slit, bled out, and killed to give you'.

18. I'm not voting in the next election.  The Repulicans are dumb, and the Democrats are just playing that up to make themselves look better.

19. Sports are dumb.

20. And the Olympics were kind of dumb, too.

21. Michael J. Fox is Still cute.  And I want a man just like him.  Oh, and it's totally cool if he has a crazy scientist friend who builds a time machine, too.

22. Lightsabers may or may not cause me to get slightly excited.

23. Sometimes I wish really good-looking cellists would just play naked.

24. Alan Rickman has a really sexy voice.

25. I wish my toilet was self-cleaning...

26. Yes, guys, I'm sorry to burst your bubble.  Girls poop.  Sad, but true, I'm afraid.

27. I don't mind if I die young; people will always remember me as young and hot, instead of old and ugly.

28. My ex-boyfriends put the 'ug' in ugly.

Life provides so much inspiration...

Just Saying...

http://www.newsnet5.com//dpp/news/local_news/oh_ashland/us-marshals-looking-into-possibility-nate-summerfield-may-have-had-accomplice-in-murder

After reading this story, I must say a few things.  First of all, for you who don't know, I went to high school with this guy.  It creeps me out just thinking about all the times I passed him in the hallways, never knowing that someday this is what he'd become.  It is truly a tragedy that people die every day because of people much like him.

With that said, I have to also share my relief.  Thank God I never once thought this guy was hot.  How creepy would that be - to have your ex-crush turn out to be a murderer??

I'll preface my following statements with the fact that I in no way condone or admire such people or the acts they commit.  However...

How much more dumb could a person get?  (Now, this is where my excessive watching of NCIS, The Mentalist, Castle, and other murder-themed shows manifests itself.) If and when you commit a crime, there are a few principle things you just don't do.

1) DO NOT tell someone you did it.  Because, let's face it, if my best friend or my brother murdered someone, I'd give 'em up.  Also, a confession is great evidence against you.

2) When you make a break for it, DO NOT drive an hour, get a hotel, and STAY there.  Unless you really want to be caught, of course...

3) If you're going to make up a name, it would probably be smarter NOT to give them a name that is A) in any way your Real name, and B) could be traced back to you, say, via a relative (with a criminal record, no less?!?!).  Unless... well, you know.

4) If you're even going so far as to tell them where you're from, DO NOT give them a location even NEAR where you're from.  Because it could be traced back to you.

5) Never, EVER have an accomplice.  They are witnesses, and could either give you up or blackmail you in the future.

6) Do I even have to mention - get rid of all physical evidence?  And trust me, burning it doesn't work.  They can still put it back together and analyze it.  At least, they can on NCIS...

Now, I'm probably officially on the government's watch-list.  Hope I'm never a murder suspect... ; P

Meaning

Without seeming redundant, I find myself coming back to this topic again...  The meaning of life - in particular, my own life.  Make no mistake, I love what I do - love playing the violin, love using that gift to make people happy.  I love being kind, and I love loving others, and seeing how happy it makes them - making the world a better place, in small ways.  But I find I am still missing something.  Some people have such a simplistic view of life that it irritates me.  I always end the conversation feeling like I was a 'downer'.  No doubt they hated that I basically shot down everything they said, in regards to how they get through life.  What can I say?  I'm a dreamer; I hate the mundane-ness of everyday life.  I don't need to 'wake up to reality'.


Perhaps, instead, they need to wake up to a life beyond what the fickle eyes can see, and the fickle skin can touch.  Such people have no imagination whatsoever - or, what they do have, is wasted on trying to make reality a different thing.  I admire that, to a certain extent.  It must be difficult - using such an unlimited resource as the imagination, corralled to function only within such a limited existence as this world's reality.  Myself, I find reality to be riddled with frustrations, blocked roads, and a to-do list that never dies (really - have you ever thought about that?  There's always something else to do.).  So often I find myself hating all of the things I have to do.  Day in and day out, we adults go to work (and if we're really lucky, we might enjoy it), get a paycheck, come home, cater to whatever the people in your life need/want, hopefully get someone to tell you they love you (and mean it), go to bed, and start the whole shebang over again the next morning.  Work, the schedule, the to-do list...  They are only a means of further organizing time - specifically, the time in which we plan to live.  All I'm saying... is that there is so much more to life... than concentrating on getting check-marks.


Of course, reality does have some beautiful moments - and those are the moments I find myself reveling in long after they've happened.  They are the things that inspire me to dream...  To dream of what life could be, if only...  Ah, if only.


Perhaps the best fiction writers in history thought the same way.  For that is what fiction is - a way to explore what can never be real; to live in a world not our own, and to maybe - if only for a few moments - be someone else...  Someone else completely different...  Or maybe someone even more like ourselves than we are allowed to be in the day-to-day.  Ultimately, I find that reality is what we make it - and mine entails a lot of time spent in the un-reality.  That doesn't bother me; I don't know why it should bother anyone else.  They say I am letting my life pass me by - but am I not also accomplishing many good things in the day-to-day?


I think life is often encapsulated in the desires that are greater than life - not the ones that fit within it.  Have you never wished to be a hero?  Someone that people remember, as being a person with great courage and heart?  It's not the legacy that matters.  It's that you made a real difference.  In real life, you hold the door for someone, you compliment them, maybe even help them get through a difficult situation.  And these are wonderful things - don't think I am belittling them with this talk of mine.  But have you ever saved the world...?  Ever saved someone's life - maybe thousands of lives...?  Even if you're a doctor or someone in a position to do so, the glory is lacking.  Blood, sweat and tears make reality what it is - painful... maddening...  maybe even devastating.


'Reality', in my terms, is the pain of life; the things that make life mundane, painful, and difficult to live.  Yet most people live as though this is all there is to life, end of story.  They settle for thinking that 'this is all there is; thus, I should concentrate on getting through everything, and then I'll be all right'.  What a waste.  Why do such people claim to believe in God, and in Heaven, if this is how they talk and think and speak?  Clearly, these people have lost sight of what is really real; not the life we see before us.  But the life that is to come.  I'm not a survivor.  I don't believe in just gritting my teeth and getting through everything that comes my way.  That's far too simple, and far too heart- and soul-killing.  I live for the 'what could be'.


And even if it never comes to be in the next life, I don't feel my imagination has been wasted.  Perhaps someday I'll write a great work of fiction - one that will resonate with people for centuries and generations to come; or maybe not.  But somehow, I feel I was made for more than just 'surviving'.  Because in my opinion, if you're 'surviving'...  You're not really living.

Introspective

Today I went to a masterclass here at IU, given by my former teacher from Oberlin Conservatory of Music - Milan Vitek.  And as I was smiling in remembrance of all the wonderful time I spent studying with him, it suddenly hit me: he'll never be my teacher again.  That time, that I went to his office for weekly lessons, and went to studio class in Kulas Hall...  is gone forever.  Along with so much of my youth.


And don't give me some lecture about how "I'm still young".  I'm well aware of that.  And yet...  I'm also aware that I'm not young anymore.  The responsibilities that come to rest on my shoulders grow in number every single day.  The real world is finally knocking at my door.  And all I want to do is run like hell.


I live every moment with the knowledge that in just a few minutes - just a few hours, days, years and even decades - it will live in my mind only as a memory of a time long past that I cannot go back to, that I cannot revisit, except in vague pictures my mind can sometimes recall.  Some moments I will never remember again.  Moments of great beauty, and even moments of great joy...  Lost forever, to the cruelty of my terrible memory.


Sometimes I think life is awfully anti-climactic.  You pray and hope and wish and weep for what you most desire, perhaps for years or even a lifetime...  And then, maybe you get it; maybe you don't.  If you do get it, it's never quite in the beautiful, elegant, or spectacular way you imagined.  And if you don't get it, all you can dream of is getting it.  Life is incredibly mundane, in that way; the transcendence we crave can only be found in the un-reality of movies, books, and music - and perhaps sometimes the beauty of nature and the world around us.  And a part of me has not yet come to terms with the mundane-ness of life.  I want more, and I don't know how to 'settle' and be content with this life.


And I know, I know - it's the next life we're supposed to get all the excitement in.  Really?  Really??  Wow.  Okay, I guess that's great, considering the next life lasts forever, and this one doesn't.  But, then, what to do with this life, and all its troubles and questions?  Faith is simple and faith is beautiful and faith is nice - but even the Bible says that hope deferred makes the heart sick.  I don't know what I'm asking for.  I don't know what I'm waiting for, or even what I'm hoping for.  And in a whisper, my heart says... more.


I want what I can't have.  I want life to be transcendent.  I want to fly above the trees, fight a sword and shield battle as a warrior of old, find out I have an incredible hidden power (instantaneous healing and claws like Wolverine would be diesel; or maybe if I could do the things Gandalf did in Lord of the Rings), save the world, be a secret agent...  I want the love of a lifetime - romance in every form - and the perfect man (Whoops!  Don't tell my boyfriend I just wrote that; he's pretty close, though...).  I want dreams to come true...  Not the half-disaster my life has turned out to be.


Who knew fear would be such a formidable enemy, that I could not defeat even with all the heart and strength I thought I possessed?  Who knew that the people in my life would hurt me, cut me so deeply?  Who knew that falling in love was more likely to make me feel like I was dying, than living...?  Who knew it was even possible to worry about everything - while not even consciously thinking about all those worries?  Before too long, you wake up in the morning and mistake the light for dark, because you're so weighed down with the dark things - anxiety, fear, anger, weariness - you carried yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that.


If I made a list of things I'd learned in college - hell, even in just the past year or two - it'd be longer than this post will be at its end.  But probably the most important thing I've learned in the more recent past is that you're never too far gone for God - never too far gone for redemption.  Every day can be made new.  And since none of us know when today could be our last tomorrow, that's more of a blessing than we realize.  I don't know how or when I learned this, but somehow I know better than to take life for granted.  Maybe I hope that the people in my life who matter most will also realize this (because undoubtedly if I matter that much to them, too, they will spend more quality time with me).  It's not life that changes who you are or how you think; for better or worse... it's you.

Fun Stuff - The ABC Survey

The ABC Survey

A is for age: 24

B is for breakfast today: The usual - a bowl of cereal (today it was Honey Nut Chex), and a buttered bagel (Cinnamon Raisin flavored).

C is for currently craving: Nothing, I just ate!

D is for dinner tonight: Just had it.  I had a mad-awesome, huge burrito; and it was delicious.

E is for favorite type of exercise: Weight-lifting.  With a little aerobics mixed in...  But specifically, I love ab-work exercises.

F is for an irrational fear: That my shadow is bigger than me; that I can't overcome the darkness (fear, anxiety, doubt) within.

G is for gross food: Meat.  Sorry, I just don't dig on brutally-slaughtered, rotting animal flesh.

H is for hometown: Jeromesville, OH.  (Just look up 'boondocks, ohio' - and you'll be in the right place.)

I is for something important: Love.

J is for current favorite jam: Food or song?  I love my mom's Raspberry jam.  For the song, probably No. 1 Crush by Garbage; that'll change as soon as I put in my iPod again, though.  = P

K is for kids: Nope, not for me.

L is for current location: At my desk in my room, procrastinating from homework.

M is for the most recent way you spent money: For gas in my sweet little baby car.

N is for something you need: A spiritual retreat of some kind.  I need to flip the switch on my spiritual life right now...

O is for occupation: Student, more than full-time.

P is for pet peeve: People who drive too slow (in front of me!), selfish and uncompromising people, the people who ask dumb questions in lecture classes, and having to do things I see no point in doing.

Q is for a quote:  "To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson 

R is for random fact about you: I have professionally recorded four fiddle CDs!

S is for favorite healthy snack: Fruit!  I love strawberries, blueberries and grapefruit the best!!

T is for favorite treat: Ice cream.  Cookies and cream is my favorite, but I love moose tracks, too!

U is for something that makes you unique: I play classical violin, baroque violin and fiddle - all very well.  = D

V is for favorite vegetable: Onion.  Probably the least popular veggie in the world, but I love it!

W is for today’s workout: Another DVD from my collection - The Firm: Aerobic Body Shaping.  Weight training with aerobic segments mixed in.  = )

X is for X-rays you’ve had: Teeth is all, I think...  When I had my braces.

Y is for yesterday’s highlight: Skyping with a friend I haven't talked to in a while!

Z is for your time zone: Eastern.  Though I think my mom would say I live in my own time zone, since I seem to be late for just about everything.  = P

Pain & Response

A posting by one of my guy friends:  "Why is it not spring yet? I've got cabin fever with nothing to resort to. In all seriousness, there must be something to waste your time doing that is entertaining and constructive to some end. Nothing seems appealing. Exercise at the gym: check. Guitar practice: check. Television: check. Household chores: check. Play pool at the bar: check. Go bowling: check. It would be cool if there was someone around to do something with. Moral: get a job that takes up all of your time because all you'll do with that free time otherwise is sit around and do absolutely nothing with no one. Here's to you Ms. Mystery... See you never."

I was so touched by this admission of loneliness.  Men so rarely admit that they're lonely, too.  While women always seem to be so aware of their feelings in this area, men seem to avoid the topic in conversation or try to avoid feeling it (at least, in my experience with men), or both.  This really touched me.  I can't even say how much.  Maybe because I feel like this so often, that it feels strange to hear it from someone else, let alone a guy.

If there's anything worse than sitting around being lonely, it's working and being lonely.  Or rather, working when you know you're just trying to avoid being lonely - as though you have nothing in the world to do but work; and unfortunately, that's the way it feels when you're single and without hope of that changing.  It's one thing to take some alone time when you need it.  It's a whole different ball game, however, to have to be alone because you have no friends or loved ones to spend time with.  It's a denial of that deep desire for companionship which exists in all of us - and I think the chronic denial of this desire is one of the leading causes for depression (and even suicide), as well as a contributing factor to other emotional problems.

People always say you can't always get what you want - and that's true.  At some point in our lives, we have to reconcile with that fact.  Life isn't fair.  But I don't think we should tell ourselves to stop hurting; because that often leads to telling ourselves to stop Wanting - which is the worst thing a person can ever do, to themselves or others.  We all need love, and we all need a certain amount of companionship - be it familial, friendly, or romantic.  And if we are denied this long enough, it does, indeed, make the heart sick.

I hate when people say you shouldn't need someone, to heal you or 'fix' you.  While I agree that needing someone to tell you who you are and why you should be that person is definitely wrong, I cannot agree that another person can't be extremely fundamental in one's personal growth and healing.  Our wounds are given to us by humans; it makes perfect sense, then, that God would bring other people into our lives who can help alleviate and - if they are able to love you in a selfless and Godly way - heal our hurt.  God is the only one who can give our lives meaning and purpose, and give us our true identities.  In fact, He is the only one who can love us unconditionally, and eternally.  But He does bring other people into our lives to bring about (sometimes very deep) healing and growth in us.

But I digress.  How do we reconcile with a God who gives us needs, and does not satisfy us, even when it seems we can go no further feeling so heartsick?  This - and many other things - is what makes faith and trust so difficult.  I would be the first to admit that I'm terrible at faith.  I'm much better at criticizing, doubting and questioning God than trusting His actions - and especially His motives.  What makes us strong is not Just praying - though that is absolutely necessary for a relationship with God.  We need each other.  It astounds me to think that every one of us is hurting.  Every single one of us is in pain, to one degree or another.  How often do any of us stop to think about that?  When we're driving on the highway, or we're walking down the street - surrounded by people - do we ever look into the eyes of strangers and dare to see the pain hidden there?  It is this pain that makes both war and compassion equally possible.

Something in me always wishes I could better minister to those who feel this lonely - mostly because I have spent a lot of my life feeling that lonely and wishing others would care enough to minister to me.  I certainly know what it's like to be the beaten, wounded man down in the ditch while others on the road pass by.  I can't tell you how many times I asked myself, where is my good Samaritan?  So suffice it to say that it touches my heart very deeply, to hear others admit such loneliness.  We cannot 'fix' another person - no matter how good our intentions.  But we Can help, and we Can heal, through Him who strengthens us.  May we go and do good, then, with the great strength we have been given.

Maybe It's Just Me, But...

I don't like it when people (now, I can't remember who said this, I just remember my reaction to it) say that a person's personality is basically a reaction to their environment.  I believe we are innately one personality or another - born, not bred.  Environment (family, friends, circumstances, etc.), in my opinion, can act more like roadblocks to being your true self, than the things that shape it.


I hate Justin Bieber.  Not because he has a tenth of the amount of talent I do and that he hasn't worked half as hard as I have to develop it (oh wait...), but because of what he represents: a decay in the arena of pop music.  He looks like he's ten years old, dresses like Justin Timberlake (who is... what, 30??), and has the intellect as deep as a teacup.  And he sings about love - as though he would know Anything about love at his age, except the most idiotic and naive forms of infatuation in existence.  Everything about him rubs me the wrong way.  I mean, *NSYNC and the Backstreet Boys could at least sing, and sing great melodies.  Oh, and they were legal age, too.  Seriously.  I can't dig on a pop star that looks prepubescent.  Just can't do it.


I don't want kids.  Ever.  Please don't give me the 'oh, you'll change your mind someday' spiel.  I've heard it a million times, and no, I won't change my mind.  Nothing about hearing someone address me as 'mommy' is appealing.  Respect to all the women out there who are mothers, and love that.  Just not my thing.


I hate that almost every character on TV avoids their feelings, Except when they want to jump in bed together.  I mean, HELLO - it should be the opposite!  No matter what trauma they just went through, they tell all their co-workers they're 'fine', like Nothing happened.  Except they're Not fine.  They're seriously messed up because they're running from dealing with the pain.  Seriously.  Just suck it up and deal with what happened to you like the rest of us.  As though running from your problems is Cool or something?  I don't get it.  And as for the amount of sex on TV?  I guess it's 'realistic', but not in terms of mental and emotional consequences.  What happened to girls being awesome Without sleeping with guys before marriage?  One of my favorite characters on TV is The Avengers' Emma Peel, circa 1960s.  She is modest, yet sexy and kicks some serious butt!  But you don't see her in bed having sex with anyone.  It doesn't matter that it was the 60s and TV standards were different then.  My point is, I want women (and men!!) on TV I can respect - starting with a little more modesty and discipline when it comes to their sex drives!  Why are people surprised that kids younger and younger are sexually experimental, when no one on TV bothers to restrain themselves??  There is such a beauty in Not sleeping around.  Too bad for us modest ones, sex really does sell.


I liked it when Mark O'Connor Just did fiddle.  Not classical.  I mean, he's got the most awesome songs  EVER.  Fifteen, twenty years later, this stuff is Still winning fiddle contests.  I'll make a mental note, for the benefit of my fans, to stick to my roots - even if I do venture out into unknown genre territory...


It's all in the eyes.  Whenever I look at a painting of a person, I look at the eyes first.  They say that the eyes are the windows to the soul - and I believe they are.  A painting whose character has true emotion in their eyes - not simply beauty, but a soul beneath it - has captured the essence of what it means to be an artist: to bring to life that which is not living.  And when I interact with people, I look them in the eye.  I allow my eyes to tell my story - and the ones who read what's written there will always know the truth, no matter what my mouth says...


Has anyone else noticed that, in Star Wars I: Phantom Menace, Padme looks a Lot like Anakin's mother?  Helloooo, Oedipus complex!  It's just weird.  Seriously.  I can't believe I never noticed it until, like, the 20th time I watched the movie.  In my defense, Ewan McGregor is quite (handsomely) distracting...


I may be the only woman in the world who doesn't think James Franco is attractive.


I constantly fantasize about being either a warrior woman or an Emma Peel-ish secret agent.  That, and falling in love with Prince Charming, who shows up every time in different costumes and looks.  Seriously.  It's the same guy, I Know it is...


I'm obsessed with soundtracks.  I think, by the time I die, I may have the largest soundtrack collection in the world.  Life Goal No. 143...


I named my car, Emma, and tell her I love her.  In fact, I have conversations with her.  And I touch her lovingly from time to time.  And...  I think she likes it...

Take It Or Leave It

I can't even pretend I understand people who don't work out, and make excuses for it.  I get up every day, and I look in the mirror.  Whether I think it looks good or bad, I have incentive to keep working out.  I mean, maybe I'm just a hard worker by nature, but if I see something I don't like, I do whatever I have to do to change it for the better.  And if I like something, I figure out exactly what I can do to keep it that way.  Call it micro-managing, if you like.  But I call it a healthy lifestyle.


I honestly can't stand it when people say they just don't have time to work out, or something like that.  Seriously.  I work out anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour, six days a week.  Most people spend at Least that amount of time doing waste of time stuff on the computer or on their iPhones.  It's a small price to pay for how good I feel about my body, and myself, as a result.


Maybe inadvertently I make people feel guilty for Not working out, when they know they could, when I talk about it.  I don't know.  I've never been on the other side of that equation.  And I'm not talking about people who have disabilities and/or health conditions that prohibit them from working out.  I'm talking about people who are perfectly capable, don't, and make excuses for it.  Maybe I'm a 'no excuses' kind of person, and maybe that's partially my upbringing, but I personally don't believe there are any excuses for not living a healthy life.  There are a million ways to work out these days - gym or no gym, yoga, pilates, running, weight training, heck there's even stuff like Zumba for people who absolutely can't stand doing something more conventional (and that's not a bashing against Zumba or the people who enjoy it).


I really don't understand the whole 'New Years Resolutions' phenomenon.  For me, it seems insanely Stupid to wait an entire year just so I can feel I have a clean start at something!  If I want a fresh start, I go to sleep at night, and get up in the morning.  Simple as that.  There is something so ingenious about that part of our design. But I digress.  My point is, why do people feel they need a special holiday - or a new year - to begin anew?  There's one thing in life you can't procrastinate: health.  Because eventually, it Will catch up to you.  Oh, that steak you had?  Don't worry about that.  After having eaten about 4,000 more cows, though, I gotta tell you - I can't believe you're Surprised you had a heart attack.  I wonder why meat eaters don't just walk around with an ER staff in tow for that reason; but I'll save my meat-eating attacks for another day.


And another thing I hate: when people come to other people's defense.  Seriously.  I'm going to state for the record that I don't understand certain people.  That is Not an open invitation for you to continue to Explain that kind of person/thinking/etc. to me, then proceed to make me feel like a dis-compassionate, cold-hearted asshole.  When I say I don't understand something, it's not because I want it explained to me, or that I actually Want to understand this type of person.  I am simply stating that it is out of the range of my Imagination that there would be people like this on the planet, Surviving somehow.  And believe me, I have quite an imagination.  So it's rather an insult, and no, I don't want you to 'soften the blow' or try and make others (including yourself, perhaps) feel less guilty for choosing a lesser lifestyle.  Take what I say for what it is: a slap across the face.  Because let me tell you something: me pointing out your unhealthy lifestyle now is a lot less painful than the repercussions you'll face down the road.


But, then again, if guilt isn't enough to motivate someone, why would me saying anything change them?  So, suffice it to say, I don't care if anyone takes this advice.  And I also don't care what they think of me.  Trust me, I'm a compassionate person.  If you know me well, then you know this to be true and I don't have to convince you.  But in the end, we are all as compassionate as how much we understand; and I just don't understand people choosing a consistently bad lifestyle.

New Year's Resolutions

It's my belief that it's never too late for New Year's resolutions.  I think after all is said and done, a sunset, hours of rest, and a sunrise make all the difference in starting anew.  That said, here are some new rules I'm vowing to live by:

1. I am no one's backup plan.  I don't know what it is, but it must be that I haven't met the right man yet.  Guys seem to only come back to me after another girl has broken their heart.  (Some trend, right?)  I will never, ever give a guy a chance if he doesn't go for me first.  Because every woman is worth being the leading lady - not the afterthought.

2. I am not always available whenever it's convenient for him to meet up.  As in, I have other things in my life but you, boy.  I've always been pretty good at this, but I'm redrawing the line.  The less I settle now, the happier I'll be in the future.  (And in the future, I'll be pretty busy, too, so he'd better get used to it.)

3. Take me as I am, or hit the road.  I've been pretty good with this one, too, but it can't be said enough.  I don't try and pretend my faults don't exist, and I don't try and 'tone down' my personality so I'm not too much for a man to handle.  If he's intimidated by me, that's his problem - not mine!

4. A dream is only as impossible as I think it is.  I am capable of so much more than I know - of this I am sure. I'm challenging myself to be more creative, and to try things that I was too afraid to do before.  I'm not going to miss an amazing life because I was 'too afraid'.  That's the worst reason of all to fail - because you never tried at all.

5. It's okay to be weak sometimes.  Strangely enough, I've found that when I least expect it, people will reach out to defend me or help me when something bad happens in my life.  So many years went by in my childhood when I wished someone would protect me.  I tried to always be strong, and it's hard to allow myself to be so vulnerable even now.  I want to come to terms with my humanity; my imperfect being...  To come to terms with feeling like I'm not at my best.  After all, "only the mediocre are always at their best". (Jean Giraudoux)

6. It's okay to change my mind.  And it's okay to change my heart, and my desires.  It's okay to not be the same person I was five or ten years ago.  (In fact, I'd really rather not be the person I was five or ten years ago in some regards!)  The things I was passionate about then are not all the same now (though many remain the same).  And that's okay!  I want to come to terms with my own changing.  How silly it was, to think I 'had it all figured out' - to any degree...  Nothing good can come of closed-mindedness.

7. Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice...  Well, you know the rest.  If a guy breaks my heart once, he was the fool.  But if I allow him to break my heart twice, then it was I who played the fool.  Just not going to do that anymore.  If a guy wants to be in my life, he's going to have to Earn his way back in!

8. No man, no person, no opinion, no certain day, week, month or year, no broken dream, unfulfilled hope or disappointment, no one action or mistake (or even great achievement) is the verdict on me.  Not one of those things decides, once and for all, who I am or how much I am worth.  Life does not begin and/or end with any one of these.  There is so much more to life than taking everything personally.  It's such a selfish way to live, and I'm bigger than that.