I was reading an article today entitled 'Top Five Regrets of The Dying', by Bronnie Ware (for full article, click here: http://exposingthetruth.info/top-five-regrets-of-the-dying/). I thought I might flesh out my own thoughts about each regret, maybe in the hope that I can change the way I live my life for the better. And if it inspires someone else who might happen upon this meditation of sorts, then all the better.
Regret No. 1: I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. To be honest, I think this is one I've been good at. My Mom always told me growing up that I should never be afraid to be myself - that I was unique and that was wonderful. So I never felt the need to cave to what others thought I should be or do. In subtle ways, though, I can see that sometimes I did what I thought would make men want me - kissing, making out, etc. It wasn't until this past year when I really realized how much I'd given away emotionally (and physically) in romantic relationships - all because I thought it would make me more 'sexy' or appealing to a man, and make him stay. The right guy will like you without all that stuff.
Regret No. 2: I wish I didn’t work so hard. Ha! Actually, if I could get myself to work harder, that would be awesome. Sometimes, though, I have regrets about how much school and all my violin practicing takes me away from time I'd rather be spending with people I care about. I missed two of my friends' weddings this summer, all because I had gigs - the only jobs I have that can pay my way through college. They understood, but I still wish there was another way. How can I complain about others not making time for a relationship with me when I can't make time for others...?
Regret No. 3: I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings. Anyone who knows me also knows that I have no problems expressing my feelings. To someone's face, though - not so easily done. But my poetry tells all. If there's something I'm feeling - something major, something I can't get out of my head - it's there. So if you're not sure how I'm really feeling about something, read between the lines. I speak in metaphor, and no names are usually mentioned; but if it's you I'm talking about, you'll know...
Regret No. 4: I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. This is a challenge, now that I'm further away from home than in undergrad. And unfortunately, there are definitely people I've fallen out of touch with. I come home for a weekend, and I'd love to see my friends then - but there really isn't time when your travel time is 5 hours and you have to practice for lessons, play a gig, go to church, and maybe even manage to sleep 7 hours a night. As I gradually drift from home, it's inevitable that I don't spend enough time with the people I care about.
Regret No. 5: I wish that I had let myself be happier. This is the real challenge for me. Automatically I feel like I'm always looking on the down side of things. (Maybe that's a universal thing?) I'm extremely critical of myself, and when you're always thinking about what goes wrong in your life and what mistakes you've made, it really weighs you down. Being a twenty-something and single woman also gets me down more than it probably should. Some days I enjoy the freedom - other days it's all I can do not to think of all the guys who left, and wonder if one will ever stay with me. It's not that I necessarily think it's my fault (or even their fault, in some cases) that they left - but that somehow God saw fit for it not to work out, I think, is what hurts. Of course I want to be ready for the blessings in my life - personal or professional. But it's the in-between time - the journey - that is so painful. When you dream of something, no one can tell you how much it's really going to hurt, to get there. But I really want to be a happier person - hopefully before I get to where I'm going.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Disclaimer
If you're a sensitive person, or get offended easily, don't read this. When I'm honest, sometimes I'm brutally honest...
Sometimes I feel like such an outsider. I can't even go to a party without having someone give me a funny look when I say I'm a vegetarian. I mean, what is it with people who ask me how I've Survived all my life?? Clearly I have, and with a little flesh to spare, so since I'm obviously not starving to death, why do they ask such a stupid question?? Just because I prefer not to eat dead, rotting flesh? Honestly. These people must not give any thought as to what horrid suffering that animal had to go through, just so they can have their 'protein' - as though that's the Real reason they support the cruel slaughter of innocent animals...
Then I say that Bloomington, Indiana seems like a big city - certainly the most populated place I've ever lived. Oh, then they jump all over me. God forbid someone musically talented might've grown up in the backwoods of nowhere... They look at me like I'm some sheltered, naive little girl - like I'm stupid or something. Hello!? It's not like I haven't been to big cities. I Know what a big city IS. They don't even let me finish the statement - that it's the biggest city I've ever lived in, and thus is an adjustment. Wish I could cram that look right back into their skulls where it came from. Just having grown up in the country, and being amidst all these musical city people makes me feel enough like a fish out of water, without those kinds of looks and comments. (Oh, and my parents aren't paying for my new Audi or my entire college education, either.)
On Facebook, I look at all the status updates and once again feel out of place. I don't have kids (hell, I don't even Want kids), and No, I Don't care about how much you love your kids or if they talked, walked or even puked on you today. I'm not in a relationship. God, don't even get me started on this one. The last thing I want to hear, as an ambivalently single person is how much someone *luuuuuvs* their special someone. Ick. It's enough to make me gag. Look, it's not that I'm not happy for my friends. I just wish they wouldn't spread their joy around so much. Maybe I'm just bitter. Or maybe I just need something to be pissed off about, and for now this suits me.
And no, I Don't like sports. God forbid I be a girl and not like sports. And no, I really don't care about who beat who, or who roots for who. Don't care. Don't care. Don't care.
Luckily for me, I never cared about being popular. So if people don't talk to me again after reading this, I'll just say it's their loss. My mom always told me to be the person I really am, unique to the last - I just never knew how much it might hurt and anger me to be so different. I'm a fireball; I'll be the first to admit it. I've got a loud mouth and I don't like to be told what to do. People can't usually handle me, because I say what I mean and I don't care what anyone thinks. I've never been afraid to be myself. Like Coldplay says, 'no one ever said it would be this hard'. No one ever told me how much - or how long - it would hurt, being so different... Being, unabashedly, me.
Sometimes I feel like such an outsider. I can't even go to a party without having someone give me a funny look when I say I'm a vegetarian. I mean, what is it with people who ask me how I've Survived all my life?? Clearly I have, and with a little flesh to spare, so since I'm obviously not starving to death, why do they ask such a stupid question?? Just because I prefer not to eat dead, rotting flesh? Honestly. These people must not give any thought as to what horrid suffering that animal had to go through, just so they can have their 'protein' - as though that's the Real reason they support the cruel slaughter of innocent animals...
Then I say that Bloomington, Indiana seems like a big city - certainly the most populated place I've ever lived. Oh, then they jump all over me. God forbid someone musically talented might've grown up in the backwoods of nowhere... They look at me like I'm some sheltered, naive little girl - like I'm stupid or something. Hello!? It's not like I haven't been to big cities. I Know what a big city IS. They don't even let me finish the statement - that it's the biggest city I've ever lived in, and thus is an adjustment. Wish I could cram that look right back into their skulls where it came from. Just having grown up in the country, and being amidst all these musical city people makes me feel enough like a fish out of water, without those kinds of looks and comments. (Oh, and my parents aren't paying for my new Audi or my entire college education, either.)
On Facebook, I look at all the status updates and once again feel out of place. I don't have kids (hell, I don't even Want kids), and No, I Don't care about how much you love your kids or if they talked, walked or even puked on you today. I'm not in a relationship. God, don't even get me started on this one. The last thing I want to hear, as an ambivalently single person is how much someone *luuuuuvs* their special someone. Ick. It's enough to make me gag. Look, it's not that I'm not happy for my friends. I just wish they wouldn't spread their joy around so much. Maybe I'm just bitter. Or maybe I just need something to be pissed off about, and for now this suits me.
And no, I Don't like sports. God forbid I be a girl and not like sports. And no, I really don't care about who beat who, or who roots for who. Don't care. Don't care. Don't care.
Luckily for me, I never cared about being popular. So if people don't talk to me again after reading this, I'll just say it's their loss. My mom always told me to be the person I really am, unique to the last - I just never knew how much it might hurt and anger me to be so different. I'm a fireball; I'll be the first to admit it. I've got a loud mouth and I don't like to be told what to do. People can't usually handle me, because I say what I mean and I don't care what anyone thinks. I've never been afraid to be myself. Like Coldplay says, 'no one ever said it would be this hard'. No one ever told me how much - or how long - it would hurt, being so different... Being, unabashedly, me.
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