I was reading an article today entitled 'Top Five Regrets of The Dying', by Bronnie Ware (for full article, click here: http://exposingthetruth.info/top-five-regrets-of-the-dying/). I thought I might flesh out my own thoughts about each regret, maybe in the hope that I can change the way I live my life for the better. And if it inspires someone else who might happen upon this meditation of sorts, then all the better.
Regret No. 1: I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. To be honest, I think this is one I've been good at. My Mom always told me growing up that I should never be afraid to be myself - that I was unique and that was wonderful. So I never felt the need to cave to what others thought I should be or do. In subtle ways, though, I can see that sometimes I did what I thought would make men want me - kissing, making out, etc. It wasn't until this past year when I really realized how much I'd given away emotionally (and physically) in romantic relationships - all because I thought it would make me more 'sexy' or appealing to a man, and make him stay. The right guy will like you without all that stuff.
Regret No. 2: I wish I didn’t work so hard. Ha! Actually, if I could get myself to work harder, that would be awesome. Sometimes, though, I have regrets about how much school and all my violin practicing takes me away from time I'd rather be spending with people I care about. I missed two of my friends' weddings this summer, all because I had gigs - the only jobs I have that can pay my way through college. They understood, but I still wish there was another way. How can I complain about others not making time for a relationship with me when I can't make time for others...?
Regret No. 3: I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings. Anyone who knows me also knows that I have no problems expressing my feelings. To someone's face, though - not so easily done. But my poetry tells all. If there's something I'm feeling - something major, something I can't get out of my head - it's there. So if you're not sure how I'm really feeling about something, read between the lines. I speak in metaphor, and no names are usually mentioned; but if it's you I'm talking about, you'll know...
Regret No. 4: I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. This is a challenge, now that I'm further away from home than in undergrad. And unfortunately, there are definitely people I've fallen out of touch with. I come home for a weekend, and I'd love to see my friends then - but there really isn't time when your travel time is 5 hours and you have to practice for lessons, play a gig, go to church, and maybe even manage to sleep 7 hours a night. As I gradually drift from home, it's inevitable that I don't spend enough time with the people I care about.
Regret No. 5: I wish that I had let myself be happier. This is the real challenge for me. Automatically I feel like I'm always looking on the down side of things. (Maybe that's a universal thing?) I'm extremely critical of myself, and when you're always thinking about what goes wrong in your life and what mistakes you've made, it really weighs you down. Being a twenty-something and single woman also gets me down more than it probably should. Some days I enjoy the freedom - other days it's all I can do not to think of all the guys who left, and wonder if one will ever stay with me. It's not that I necessarily think it's my fault (or even their fault, in some cases) that they left - but that somehow God saw fit for it not to work out, I think, is what hurts. Of course I want to be ready for the blessings in my life - personal or professional. But it's the in-between time - the journey - that is so painful. When you dream of something, no one can tell you how much it's really going to hurt, to get there. But I really want to be a happier person - hopefully before I get to where I'm going.
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