Weight: it's such a controversial topic. I admire people who are content with their weight, especially when they're not a size 2/4 (like me - so no, please for the love of God stop saying I'm a size 0; I'm not, and I'm completely okay with that). People can look at gaining weight and think, 'it's okay - my body is changing'... and I shudder. Now, I believe everyone should have good body image, and love their bodies just the way they are - I mean, people don't just gain weight for fun; sometimes (because of pregnancy, serious injuries that prevent physical activity, etc.) it happens for real reasons - i.e. someone not just being lazy and eating crap food all the time.
But me? I'm going to be that crazy lady who's working out like a maniac until God takes me from His green earth, I already know that. I have a passion for healthy living - and that encompasses the physical, mental/emotional, and the spiritual. If any of those things are not being taken care of, it's a real issue to me. And I also love the way I look, just as I am. If I gained even ten pounds I would have major problems with that.
Here's where I'm going to get controversial (at least to some people). Someday I'm going to get married (most likely). And here's the hard fact: I already know I wouldn't be able to Stand being with someone who didn't work out as much (or even more, I guess!) as me. First of all, I think being a girl who works out six days a week (when it's usually the guy who loves to be pumping iron instead of the girl) warrants it. Secondly, um... have you Seen me? I'm Tiny! As in, 5' 1'', 105 pounds. A guy who is even average height that's overweight is going to Crush me. My last ex was fat. And when we made out it was like a beached whale was laying on top of me. (Now, I know that muscle weighs more than fat - so we're talking about enough fat to make up for that.) And, I mean... muscle just Looks better than fat.
It really, genuinely turns me off when a guy says he'll love me no matter what I look like or weigh; in fact, I take offense at that. So, does it not matter to him how I look?? I don't understand that comment. I'm no magazine model, but I know that to some extent I am beautiful (inside and out). I appreciate that he'll love me when I have wrinkles and age spots and things like that, but... a comment like that denotes to some extent (at least, it's my perception that this is true) that they don't care about their own weight, and that they assume their partner feels the same way. Not true with me. As someone aptly said, physical/sexual attraction and love go hand in hand...
But it's not just about the physical appearance, lest I sound completely vain and disgusting. I work out six days a week, I eat well (with a vegetarian diet), and I get enough sleep almost every single night; I'm working toward thinking more and more positively every day, I have a relationship with God, and I revel in the things I'm passionate about; I practice my violin hours every day; and even when I'm stressed and busy to the max, I still make time for the people who matter to me. I believe in constant maintenance - in how I look, feel, think, and work, as well as in my relationships. 'Letting myself go' in any sense of the term is something I shudder to think about. Here's why. We only get one body. It eventually does age, and with that comes complications. But here's the thing: by treating your body right, you can live a longer, fuller, and more fulfilled life. I believe in living every day, every moment, to the fullest. I knew someone once who refused to eat healthy or work out; he had small (or practically no) dreams, and lived a small life, wherein he thought negative things most of the time. It wasn't until later that I realized it, but... he is dead before his time. Oh, he's still breathing. But he's far from living.
So many people wake up in middle age or later, when they have health issues. They visit their doctors again and again, taking medications they hope will fix their problems - or at least take away their symptoms. Eventually they get surgery, sometimes many surgeries. Their muscles are weak, and cannot help them to a speedy recovery of any kind. They listen too much to their doctors and not enough to their bodies (hello, don't you know - most doctors are just in it to make money? Those prescriptions they give you are the newest thing they've been paid to peddle; but this is for a different post entirely). They don't know what foods they should be eating that could help them with their diseases (because they haven't been eating healthy all along). Maybe they live long, maybe they don't; it's really sort of a toss-up.
I'll tell you what this is: it's bad planning. If you know your body is eventually going to decline, why are you not working out, eating right, and taking care of yourself in every aspect Now, before it's too late? Why do people need to get a disease before they decide to live a healthier life? What ever happened to preventative medicine?
I don't look my age - many people have said it. And I'm proud of that fact. God gave me a strong body, and with all that I do, I am truly taking care of it. In this way, it is also a charge from God to exercise, eat right, sleep enough, and be disciplined about it.
In terms of other maintenance, why do so many marriages end up in divorce? I believe the first factor is that they married the wrong person. I know it's sort of taboo to give that sort of advice, especially to unhappily married people. But, if you married an asshole, you married an asshole; simple as that. The second factor is lack of maintenance. I don't plan on being any less romantic or poetic or any of that as my marriage goes on. Michael J. Fox once said, as marriage advice, that one should be prepared to fall in love all over again every day - and that's first and foremost a choice.
Nothing good comes for free. If I support any cliche, it is this one - because it is so true, and it's the bedrock of how I live my life. I don't expect anyone to give me anything. (Though it'd be nice if someone gave me about $150,000 right about now so I wouldn't be broke and owe my next 20 years to the government and every bank I've had to borrow from for college.) In fact, I'd Always rather work for something. Because you know what? When I finally achieve that thing I was working toward, it will mean more to me. And when I'm done with that? There will be more to work toward. Work has such a terrible connotation sometimes; if people don't live with their hearts put toward everything they do, and don't do everything with gratefulness and passion, then it's not work: it's torture. But I digress.
My ultimate point is this: life is a gift. Don't waste it hating your body, OR not taking care of yourself. Do your best in everything, and life will reward you - even if it takes more time than you'd like.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
The End Of Another Chapter: A Retrospective Piece
I feel overwhelmed just titling this post. Because, with a title like that... well, it's got to be good, right?
It's amazing - and strange - looking back at things I've written, even just a few years ago. Am I the same person? The short and easy answer is no. I'd like to think that if you'd told me all the things, good and bad, that I'd go through in these past three years while I've been at IU, I'd still take it on in a heartbeat... but of course, that's speaking from who I've become - not who I was.
I feel I'm a stronger person. I'm still a fighter, as I've always been... but one could say I've added more moves to my arsenal. I'm better able to withstand the stresses of everyday life, and my violin performances are full of life - but not just life; they are fully my own. I'm better at enjoying life, and truly experiencing it in the now; no more living in the past or completely in my dreams. My faith and trust in God is stronger than before - not because God has changed, but because I've recognized that everything happens for a reason. And that reason is part of a greater purpose God has for my life. I see things not as I saw them before - but with eyes more equipped to see what God sees, instead of just what I see.
And you know what? I'm still single, just like I was when I got here three years ago. Only now, I've learned to enjoy the freedom and simplicity in being single! Not that I don't want a relationship - of course I do; what is all the adventure in the world, without someone to share it with? But after having been rejected time and time again, I realize that the time hasn't been right - and it's still not right. I'm content with my singularity, knowing that when I meet the right guy, I'll never turn back to this status I now cherish.
The people I have come to know in my short time here have left me with indelible imprints; surely I will not forget them and the friendship they have given me. The smiles that we traded that eventually fade from our young faces remain in our hearts forever.
I'm sometimes surprised at how open I was - how willingly I shared intimate details of my heart with people who (in retrospect, I think) had no business knowing me so deeply - before I came here. I'm not sure exactly when it happened, but something made me more selective. I'd say guarded, but that's not the right word for it. I've learned how to better judge who is worthy of knowing me, and once I trust someone deeply, they are in my inner circle - and most likely, they know that they are privileged.
And thank God I'm over that guy I had it So bad for, all those years. How many days, weeks, months, Years I wasted on a man who couldn't even bother himself to give me the time of day... Every once in a while, I still find myself unable to resist the occasional jab at his expense; after all, what's the fun in life if you're mad all the time? I hold nothing against him, except that such men shouldn't be allowed to exist - for all of womankind's sake. What gives any human being the right to be so cold-hearted and cruel? I still think it would've been so much better if He'd been the one standing on top of the bomb recently placed at the end of the Boston Marathon... but I digress.
I can't honestly say with any certainty that I know more about men than I did before - clearly my track record doesn't give me any proof of improvement. I still get confused as to whether a guy likes Likes me, or whether he's just flirty with every girl; and frankly, I hate being confused. No one ever tells you, when you're a little girl growing up in this crazy world, that men are confusing, too. Hey guys, before you even speak one word to me, can you get your signals straight? THANKS! (Wish I could wear that sign around my neck, haha...)
But there is a sadness in me. Soon I will be gone from this place. The chair where I sit will remain cold and empty; and the room around me will be bare... all of my things will be packed in boxes hundreds of miles away... the walls will no longer echo with my chatter or my laughter... and the tears cried here will be only a memory contained within walls that will never speak of them. The friends I leave behind will walk past my door and remember when I was here. They will go to the classes we took together and notice that I'm not there, even if only for a little while. The friends who leave with me to go our separate ways may never see me in the flesh again. Life is strange... who knows if one of us will die in a car accident the day after graduation, suffer a heart attack, or be shot to death in a violent drive-by.
One day, the calendar I keep will contain no more dates... no more appointments. The to-do list will be put to rest, completed or not. Will I have time before the end, as I do before this ending, to reflect on all the things I wished I'd done, and the void I will leave behind in the hearts of those who have allowed me into their lives?
Because with every ending, there are regrets. I can name a few off the top of my head. There was a concert one of my teachers gave. It was my last chance to see him play in a recital before I graduated, and I knew it - and somehow, I chose not to go. I can't even remember now what stupid assignment I decided to do, instead. He's up there in age. Maybe it was my last chance in all my life.
And then there was a get-together one of my friends was having. I'd promised I'd come, but at the last minute I cancelled because I thought the weather was so bad I couldn't drive. It made me feel just as lame as the excuse sounded. I doubt he holds against me... but whatever thing I chose to do instead - again, seems stupid in retrospect.
And, well, I certainly regret not watching Iron Man sooner, but... I think I'll survive that one.
Above all, I have always regretted chances not taken. If I made a mistake along the way, I can live with that. What I can't live with... what I can't look in the mirror and stop hating... are all the times when I chickened out. The times when there was something in front of me, and when the train began to move, I didn't stick my foot out and take that train. I'm an opportunist. I don't live life on the sidelines - I move with it, and within it.
What can I say for the future? In a few more years, I'll look back and think how naive I am now. I hope that I'm even stronger in being myself, and bolder in taking chances. I hope someday I learn not to be afraid of looking like an idiot. And I hope that someday, if and when I'm finally able to allow my heart to fall in love again... it'll be because he fell first.
I cut out an ad I saw in a magazine and taped it to my daily calendar, and I think it's a good way to end this entry. This is what it says:
"Take a journey.
Take a chance.
See possibilities.
Give hugs.
Run a race.
Run the washer.
Run the gamut.
Pause.
Breathe.
Live fully.
Love completely.
Live your dreams.
(and then, my own addendum:)
Be unstoppable."
So I go forward now, with this sentiment strong in my mind. I wish for time to stand still, and for my strength and youth never to fade; for I cannot fathom my misery when they start to fade. I wish to leave the world changed... to leave an imprint that isn't simply washed away in the sand with the coming of the tide... to experience love in every beautiful aspect... and at the end of my life, to stand on top of the mountain that is everything I am and everything I've done, and thrust my sword into the sky. Victory... victory and strength, to the last.
It's amazing - and strange - looking back at things I've written, even just a few years ago. Am I the same person? The short and easy answer is no. I'd like to think that if you'd told me all the things, good and bad, that I'd go through in these past three years while I've been at IU, I'd still take it on in a heartbeat... but of course, that's speaking from who I've become - not who I was.
I feel I'm a stronger person. I'm still a fighter, as I've always been... but one could say I've added more moves to my arsenal. I'm better able to withstand the stresses of everyday life, and my violin performances are full of life - but not just life; they are fully my own. I'm better at enjoying life, and truly experiencing it in the now; no more living in the past or completely in my dreams. My faith and trust in God is stronger than before - not because God has changed, but because I've recognized that everything happens for a reason. And that reason is part of a greater purpose God has for my life. I see things not as I saw them before - but with eyes more equipped to see what God sees, instead of just what I see.
And you know what? I'm still single, just like I was when I got here three years ago. Only now, I've learned to enjoy the freedom and simplicity in being single! Not that I don't want a relationship - of course I do; what is all the adventure in the world, without someone to share it with? But after having been rejected time and time again, I realize that the time hasn't been right - and it's still not right. I'm content with my singularity, knowing that when I meet the right guy, I'll never turn back to this status I now cherish.
The people I have come to know in my short time here have left me with indelible imprints; surely I will not forget them and the friendship they have given me. The smiles that we traded that eventually fade from our young faces remain in our hearts forever.
I'm sometimes surprised at how open I was - how willingly I shared intimate details of my heart with people who (in retrospect, I think) had no business knowing me so deeply - before I came here. I'm not sure exactly when it happened, but something made me more selective. I'd say guarded, but that's not the right word for it. I've learned how to better judge who is worthy of knowing me, and once I trust someone deeply, they are in my inner circle - and most likely, they know that they are privileged.
And thank God I'm over that guy I had it So bad for, all those years. How many days, weeks, months, Years I wasted on a man who couldn't even bother himself to give me the time of day... Every once in a while, I still find myself unable to resist the occasional jab at his expense; after all, what's the fun in life if you're mad all the time? I hold nothing against him, except that such men shouldn't be allowed to exist - for all of womankind's sake. What gives any human being the right to be so cold-hearted and cruel? I still think it would've been so much better if He'd been the one standing on top of the bomb recently placed at the end of the Boston Marathon... but I digress.
I can't honestly say with any certainty that I know more about men than I did before - clearly my track record doesn't give me any proof of improvement. I still get confused as to whether a guy likes Likes me, or whether he's just flirty with every girl; and frankly, I hate being confused. No one ever tells you, when you're a little girl growing up in this crazy world, that men are confusing, too. Hey guys, before you even speak one word to me, can you get your signals straight? THANKS! (Wish I could wear that sign around my neck, haha...)
But there is a sadness in me. Soon I will be gone from this place. The chair where I sit will remain cold and empty; and the room around me will be bare... all of my things will be packed in boxes hundreds of miles away... the walls will no longer echo with my chatter or my laughter... and the tears cried here will be only a memory contained within walls that will never speak of them. The friends I leave behind will walk past my door and remember when I was here. They will go to the classes we took together and notice that I'm not there, even if only for a little while. The friends who leave with me to go our separate ways may never see me in the flesh again. Life is strange... who knows if one of us will die in a car accident the day after graduation, suffer a heart attack, or be shot to death in a violent drive-by.
One day, the calendar I keep will contain no more dates... no more appointments. The to-do list will be put to rest, completed or not. Will I have time before the end, as I do before this ending, to reflect on all the things I wished I'd done, and the void I will leave behind in the hearts of those who have allowed me into their lives?
Because with every ending, there are regrets. I can name a few off the top of my head. There was a concert one of my teachers gave. It was my last chance to see him play in a recital before I graduated, and I knew it - and somehow, I chose not to go. I can't even remember now what stupid assignment I decided to do, instead. He's up there in age. Maybe it was my last chance in all my life.
And then there was a get-together one of my friends was having. I'd promised I'd come, but at the last minute I cancelled because I thought the weather was so bad I couldn't drive. It made me feel just as lame as the excuse sounded. I doubt he holds against me... but whatever thing I chose to do instead - again, seems stupid in retrospect.
And, well, I certainly regret not watching Iron Man sooner, but... I think I'll survive that one.
Above all, I have always regretted chances not taken. If I made a mistake along the way, I can live with that. What I can't live with... what I can't look in the mirror and stop hating... are all the times when I chickened out. The times when there was something in front of me, and when the train began to move, I didn't stick my foot out and take that train. I'm an opportunist. I don't live life on the sidelines - I move with it, and within it.
What can I say for the future? In a few more years, I'll look back and think how naive I am now. I hope that I'm even stronger in being myself, and bolder in taking chances. I hope someday I learn not to be afraid of looking like an idiot. And I hope that someday, if and when I'm finally able to allow my heart to fall in love again... it'll be because he fell first.
I cut out an ad I saw in a magazine and taped it to my daily calendar, and I think it's a good way to end this entry. This is what it says:
"Take a journey.
Take a chance.
See possibilities.
Give hugs.
Run a race.
Run the washer.
Run the gamut.
Pause.
Breathe.
Live fully.
Love completely.
Live your dreams.
(and then, my own addendum:)
Be unstoppable."
So I go forward now, with this sentiment strong in my mind. I wish for time to stand still, and for my strength and youth never to fade; for I cannot fathom my misery when they start to fade. I wish to leave the world changed... to leave an imprint that isn't simply washed away in the sand with the coming of the tide... to experience love in every beautiful aspect... and at the end of my life, to stand on top of the mountain that is everything I am and everything I've done, and thrust my sword into the sky. Victory... victory and strength, to the last.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
He Had Such Potential...
He had such potential... until he uttered the words, 'you know I'm not interested in anything but friendship, right?'. Ugh. I'd tell you to gag me already, but... yeah. It's a little too late. It reminds me of one of my own personal rules - long-distance relationships are better than close, for one reason: because the fallout is just crappy when you have to see that person on a regular basis.
The fantastic thing? He never even knew I liked him. I don't know whether I should laugh at the silliness of it or roll my eyes at the utter cluelessness men seem to easily possess. (In the end, it's a bit of both.) Every time I see an email from him, I withdraw into myself all over again.
Of course I told him it was all right. Why would I make it awkward between us by breaking the news? Why, I thought when you wanted to do all these things and spend time alone with me, and when you winked at me all those times - gosh, I thought you actually liked me! How silly of me.
No, instead, I pretended it was fine. After all, it Was over text message. Classy. You're how old, and you're having a relationship discussion (not really a discussion, more like a monologue) with me over Text message? Wow. If you ever want to know why you're still single, just let me know. I Think I might have a good idea.
The thoughts that echoed in my head? 'No, how silly! It's totally fine that you Completely missed everything attractive about me, since I never want to get married or fall in love or any of that stupid stuff!' (Said no one Ever.) Honestly. I'll be really happy if I never see the ignoramus again.
And it's inner outbursts like these that make me realize a part of me is still hurting, still wanting there to be someone in my life. As much as I have come to genuinely love the free, sort of nomadic life I live, and the life I want in the future, there is still longing. Why am I so surprised by this...?
The fantastic thing? He never even knew I liked him. I don't know whether I should laugh at the silliness of it or roll my eyes at the utter cluelessness men seem to easily possess. (In the end, it's a bit of both.) Every time I see an email from him, I withdraw into myself all over again.
Of course I told him it was all right. Why would I make it awkward between us by breaking the news? Why, I thought when you wanted to do all these things and spend time alone with me, and when you winked at me all those times - gosh, I thought you actually liked me! How silly of me.
No, instead, I pretended it was fine. After all, it Was over text message. Classy. You're how old, and you're having a relationship discussion (not really a discussion, more like a monologue) with me over Text message? Wow. If you ever want to know why you're still single, just let me know. I Think I might have a good idea.
The thoughts that echoed in my head? 'No, how silly! It's totally fine that you Completely missed everything attractive about me, since I never want to get married or fall in love or any of that stupid stuff!' (Said no one Ever.) Honestly. I'll be really happy if I never see the ignoramus again.
And it's inner outbursts like these that make me realize a part of me is still hurting, still wanting there to be someone in my life. As much as I have come to genuinely love the free, sort of nomadic life I live, and the life I want in the future, there is still longing. Why am I so surprised by this...?
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Child Prodigies
I would not change my life - not any of it: how I grew up, who my parents were, how much money they had, or the circumstances which I have endured from beginning to where I am. I look at children who have been given 'everything' money and fortunate circumstance can afford, and I think... someday the smiles in their photos will be tainted with the disappointment which broke all of our hearts, that one day when we realized that life wasn't going to turn out exactly how we hoped. Your next thought would be that I am jaded - that I see life as a terrible thing, and that we should not disillusion children with dreams and silly things like that.
And you'd be dead wrong. Because even though I know that life is, at times, agonizingly painful... I still dream. I still hope. And I view life not as a terrible thing, but as a gift.
Yet I would not go back in time and be a child prodigy for all the money in the world. The fact that I did not reach the pinnacle of my technical abilities on the violin before the age of ten encourages me, instead of the opposite.
On Sunday, I had my last degree recital, to cap off my college career and my Masters degree requirements. As I have told all who came (and those who couldn't because of the terrible weather), I couldn't be more happy with how it went. Did I make mistakes? Of course. I missed notes that I've never missed, and if my hands were not shaking (for the first time out of excitement instead of anxiety) I would not have missed in performance. But all that aside - because in my mind, all of that is secondary - I believe that for the first time, I was able to let go... and allow my own voice to come through. Friends who came told me the same thing, and that's when I knew... there was no going back. This recital - though at the end of a degree, an end of a chapter of my life... is not really any sort of end. It is the beginning - the beginning of a new courage I have found in myself, to further sing the song that I, alone, have been given to sing. What is in my heart must find its way out... and the strength I needed was there all along - I just didn't know it until recently.
I would be lying if I said that my inner journey in the past few months has not been a spiritual one. If ever I had felt a 'calling' in life - other than my violin - it was this one. God was waking me up from a sleep I'd allowed myself to fall into, especially since my ex-boyfriend broke up with me. I'd had my heart broken before, even by the same man... but this time it was different. Something inside me that was beautiful and precious had been crushed - what a torture-master would call 'breaking' someone. I lived without hope, and was without end cynical.
This journey of sorts began in December. I woke up one day... and realized that - though my friends all saw me as a happy and upbeat person... I didn't feel that way inside. I wanted to be the person others perceived me as; somehow, I knew that deep down, they had seen a glimpse of a truer me... and for the first time in my life, I was willing to do whatever it took to look at life differently - what I saw as a complete 180 from the attitudes I had taken toward everything in my life, especially things I viewed as obstacles. And, I knew I needed this change because Everything in my life had become an obstacle. I looked forward to nothing; I dreaded everything. And I could no longer stand to go on living that way, thinking that way.
Changing the way one thinks... it's even harder than you'd imagine. But I had God on my side, and a real desire to look at life as a gift, instead of a curse. It was a slow evolution, essentially teaching myself to re-think the things I went through, every moment of every day. And when Lent came around... it only seemed natural to take the next step - not just think optimistically, but to see everything (circumstances, people, etc.), whether happy or difficult, as something God was within. I was suddenly aware of God in everything I did, where I was not previously aware - in practicing my violin, washing my dishes, even sitting through classes I didn't enjoy. For God has a purpose for everything which we know not.
Now, at the culmination of my recital and of Lent, I find myself a changed woman - not that I haven't a tendency to tap my toe impatiently during class when I'm bored from time to time... but I yearn for every day to come Equally as much as I love every moment - and how much more awake I am now. The sky seems bluer, and every day is an adventure, where you never know if you'll come back to your room at night the same person... and surely we all know that one day we will walk out our door... and never return again.
Deep down I am an adventurer - I have long craved the battles and excitement of a life not my own... To fight for something worthwhile. In this recent sojourn, I have finally found a battle worthy of me: the fight against every force in the world that doesn't want me to shine this light God has given my heart to show the world: my confidence, in being the truest form of myself without apology, without hesitation or reserve... to be vulnerable, damn the consequences. To be this person which God has made me to be - that is a fight enough, perhaps, for someone else. But I find deep within the desire to lead others to this same freedom I experience. And I love doing things that are 'exciting', it's true... but there is something inside me that knows, deep down... that because I am who I was meant to be - not perfect until the next life, but still possessing a heart full of good and full of love - I have all the excitement I need. I am free to live, aware and present to all the people around me who need someone to care, need someone to listen and to love them. I am aware of all the beauty in the world that God has placed around me... and to all the places where God has put need around me - need that I was destined to fill. Every day is an adventure - every day has become exciting.
I find I can no longer bear to say 'I can't wait'... except in rare cases now - because after all, I still have dreams! But I find the phrase almost distasteful at times. For so many people wish their lives away, living for a future that never comes... for today is the future we wished for - and if you are still wishing for tomorrow you will never be satisfied. We cannot change the future. We can only hope to affect change, for better or worse, in this moment, right now.
When it came to play my recital, I only had one goal: be the only person I have ever known how to be, the only violinist I have ever known how to be... the one I've looked at in the mirror a thousand times. This is the girl I am - and all of the collective experiences in my life have brought be to where I am. One could even say that because of the horrid way my ex-boyfriend treated me, I was able to step out of my own shadow and begin living. No, I would not change a single thing about my life - for I have found the difficult times have strengthened me for the road ahead... and the people who have loved me, and all the good times we have had together, have given me memories that I can smile about, as I journey on.
So I will end this entry, too, with a toast: to life, as it is... to today, and to every today I shall ever live... and to my friends who read this: may you find the happiness I have finally found... and find every day when I wake, and thank God for every night before I sleep. It is a blessed life... It is a beautiful life.
And you'd be dead wrong. Because even though I know that life is, at times, agonizingly painful... I still dream. I still hope. And I view life not as a terrible thing, but as a gift.
Yet I would not go back in time and be a child prodigy for all the money in the world. The fact that I did not reach the pinnacle of my technical abilities on the violin before the age of ten encourages me, instead of the opposite.
On Sunday, I had my last degree recital, to cap off my college career and my Masters degree requirements. As I have told all who came (and those who couldn't because of the terrible weather), I couldn't be more happy with how it went. Did I make mistakes? Of course. I missed notes that I've never missed, and if my hands were not shaking (for the first time out of excitement instead of anxiety) I would not have missed in performance. But all that aside - because in my mind, all of that is secondary - I believe that for the first time, I was able to let go... and allow my own voice to come through. Friends who came told me the same thing, and that's when I knew... there was no going back. This recital - though at the end of a degree, an end of a chapter of my life... is not really any sort of end. It is the beginning - the beginning of a new courage I have found in myself, to further sing the song that I, alone, have been given to sing. What is in my heart must find its way out... and the strength I needed was there all along - I just didn't know it until recently.
I would be lying if I said that my inner journey in the past few months has not been a spiritual one. If ever I had felt a 'calling' in life - other than my violin - it was this one. God was waking me up from a sleep I'd allowed myself to fall into, especially since my ex-boyfriend broke up with me. I'd had my heart broken before, even by the same man... but this time it was different. Something inside me that was beautiful and precious had been crushed - what a torture-master would call 'breaking' someone. I lived without hope, and was without end cynical.
This journey of sorts began in December. I woke up one day... and realized that - though my friends all saw me as a happy and upbeat person... I didn't feel that way inside. I wanted to be the person others perceived me as; somehow, I knew that deep down, they had seen a glimpse of a truer me... and for the first time in my life, I was willing to do whatever it took to look at life differently - what I saw as a complete 180 from the attitudes I had taken toward everything in my life, especially things I viewed as obstacles. And, I knew I needed this change because Everything in my life had become an obstacle. I looked forward to nothing; I dreaded everything. And I could no longer stand to go on living that way, thinking that way.
Changing the way one thinks... it's even harder than you'd imagine. But I had God on my side, and a real desire to look at life as a gift, instead of a curse. It was a slow evolution, essentially teaching myself to re-think the things I went through, every moment of every day. And when Lent came around... it only seemed natural to take the next step - not just think optimistically, but to see everything (circumstances, people, etc.), whether happy or difficult, as something God was within. I was suddenly aware of God in everything I did, where I was not previously aware - in practicing my violin, washing my dishes, even sitting through classes I didn't enjoy. For God has a purpose for everything which we know not.
Now, at the culmination of my recital and of Lent, I find myself a changed woman - not that I haven't a tendency to tap my toe impatiently during class when I'm bored from time to time... but I yearn for every day to come Equally as much as I love every moment - and how much more awake I am now. The sky seems bluer, and every day is an adventure, where you never know if you'll come back to your room at night the same person... and surely we all know that one day we will walk out our door... and never return again.
Deep down I am an adventurer - I have long craved the battles and excitement of a life not my own... To fight for something worthwhile. In this recent sojourn, I have finally found a battle worthy of me: the fight against every force in the world that doesn't want me to shine this light God has given my heart to show the world: my confidence, in being the truest form of myself without apology, without hesitation or reserve... to be vulnerable, damn the consequences. To be this person which God has made me to be - that is a fight enough, perhaps, for someone else. But I find deep within the desire to lead others to this same freedom I experience. And I love doing things that are 'exciting', it's true... but there is something inside me that knows, deep down... that because I am who I was meant to be - not perfect until the next life, but still possessing a heart full of good and full of love - I have all the excitement I need. I am free to live, aware and present to all the people around me who need someone to care, need someone to listen and to love them. I am aware of all the beauty in the world that God has placed around me... and to all the places where God has put need around me - need that I was destined to fill. Every day is an adventure - every day has become exciting.
I find I can no longer bear to say 'I can't wait'... except in rare cases now - because after all, I still have dreams! But I find the phrase almost distasteful at times. For so many people wish their lives away, living for a future that never comes... for today is the future we wished for - and if you are still wishing for tomorrow you will never be satisfied. We cannot change the future. We can only hope to affect change, for better or worse, in this moment, right now.
When it came to play my recital, I only had one goal: be the only person I have ever known how to be, the only violinist I have ever known how to be... the one I've looked at in the mirror a thousand times. This is the girl I am - and all of the collective experiences in my life have brought be to where I am. One could even say that because of the horrid way my ex-boyfriend treated me, I was able to step out of my own shadow and begin living. No, I would not change a single thing about my life - for I have found the difficult times have strengthened me for the road ahead... and the people who have loved me, and all the good times we have had together, have given me memories that I can smile about, as I journey on.
So I will end this entry, too, with a toast: to life, as it is... to today, and to every today I shall ever live... and to my friends who read this: may you find the happiness I have finally found... and find every day when I wake, and thank God for every night before I sleep. It is a blessed life... It is a beautiful life.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
In The End - Or Beginning
I think to myself, maybe I'm not the marrying type. This might seem like a strange way to start off a blog entry... or maybe it's not.
After a rough day, you always know who your true friends are - the people who truly care about you, and are willing to go out of their way to show you. Sometimes, too, life surprises you with friendships you didn't want or think you needed (I say life, when I mean God). Someone called me tonight when I didn't show up to Bible Study... and I think to myself, how foolish of me... to try and throw away such a rich friendship that God obviously had a purpose for.
But luckily for me, God always plans for the HSF - or, as I say, the Human Stupidity Factor - and I remain grateful again for the things God has given me, even Despite my HSF.
It's hard for me to be ungrateful right now, after that act of kindness. He didn't have to call, but he did. My friends don't have to care, but they do. Hell, God doesn't even have to love me - but He does. It's times like these that I think (leading back to my original topic), maybe being single isn't so bad, after all. My friends are there for me when it counts - and I know that they are indirectly (or directly, depending on your interpretation) the hand of God reaching for me. I am wonderfully comforted by the ending of this day.
But then I continue... I don't want to 'settle down' - at least, not in the typical sense. I want to see the world... play my violin and tour, doing whatever genre suits me from one day to the next. And the thought of living in one place for the rest of my life... I don't know. Maybe it has too much of a feeling of finality in it. I don't particularly want security, either. I see security more as chain-bonds: a way to make life simple and predictable. In truth, security is nothing but an illusion - and in any case, perhaps I am too afraid to be tied down, limited, and inhibited from doing what I love most (whatever that may include as the years go by). I don't want kids, and I know that's a huge reason in why people get married, too.
All I wanted, in marriage, was to fall in love, and stay in love the rest of my life. Perhaps it seems silly, but, in this moment... that's true. I fell in love with music, and with the violin, so long ago - and though there are hard times, I find that ultimately, I know I'll always be in love with it. (Another gift of God.)
And... they often say you can never really know someone. If that's true... then what is marriage for? Given all of my desires, I wonder if I was even meant for it to begin with. A man has never loved me - maybe that's a sign; maybe it's that I haven't met someone who wants to leap into the same shared adventures as the ones I'm living. Because ultimately, Giacomo (my violin) will go with me wherever I go... but he'll never be a hand to hold, or arms to envelop me. And in all of my world travels, wherever they may take me... my joy will only go so far as the person I turn to, when I see something beautiful or amazing, to smile... and see a smile in return.
But if I may be so bold, and truly take to heart the consolation - nay, love - in it... I say, if God has shown me something beautiful... it is already a shared experience. I am not alone... and at least for now, I have accepted the terms of my existence - with acceptance for the past, joy for the present, and hope for the future.
As Thoreau put so eloquently... "We need the tonic of wildness... At the same time that we are earnest to explore and learn all things, we require that all things be mysterious and unexplorable, that land and sea be indefinitely wild, unsurveyd and unfathomed by us because they are unfathomable. We can never have enough of nature."
So, with that, a toast: that life may always satisfy some of your desire, and some of your curiosity - but not all of it; for without these longings, we are beasts, or we are dead... and no longer the hearts and souls of which true adventurers are made.
So, with that, a toast: that life may always satisfy some of your desire, and some of your curiosity - but not all of it; for without these longings, we are beasts, or we are dead... and no longer the hearts and souls of which true adventurers are made.
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