I think I'm going through a latent teenage rebel phase. Not that I was ever a conformist. Ha! As far from it as possible, methinks. But lately, everything that hasn't gone my way, hasn't been done the exact way I wanted it, has elicited angry responses from me, making everyone around me (and myself, as well) wonder if I really Do have an anger problem, after all. Everything I have to do, and don't want to do, seems an inconvenience of immense proportions. And then I wonder, am I growing more selfish as I age? It wouldn't be too inappropriate a question to ask...
Perhaps the worst thing is that, at least partly, I don't really care. All my life, I've been a 'good little girl', following all the rules to the last. Maybe I'm tired of playing that role, living that life, when I'm not altogether sure it's who I am. Maybe I Want to feel some sort of consequence for my actions. Maybe it would make me feel like I'm really in control of my life, instead of feeling constantly as though someone else has the wheel. Now, none of this is to say that I'm going to start breaking and entering, vandalizing, mass-murdering or the like. But I feel that this 'my way or the highway' business is all part of wanting to break out of that heretofore mentioned role - that skin I've been in all my life thus far. While my ever-critical conscience is keeping me on a tight leash morally and ethically, I don't feel it necessary to be directly opposed to this upheaval of identity. On the other side of this angry, insecure, and unsure phase is something all the more beautiful - a more true self-image and identity.
Before the last few months, I thought I knew who I was. And, for a time, I did - and the image I held of myself was as accurate as it could possibly be. But that image has changed. It may seem strange to say so, but I (foolishly) thought that I had myself mostly figured out. As it turns out, that's not even halfway true. But that's not a bad thing. I will change over time, coming to these places where I find myself more frequently discontent; and then, out of struggle, there is rebirth - a new life, and a new way of seeing myself and the world around me. And this, in essence, is the very process of life - the process of getting to know oneself. I've always believed that you cannot be truly known unless you know who you are, yourself. And I've always believed that if people came to know who I really was, they would like me. Maybe not love me, but at least like me. (Though, of course, there is always the deep heart-hope that you will be loved when you are truly known.) Perhaps that's true; perhaps it's not. Perhaps I'm more of an acquired taste.
Looking at photos from my friends' weddings, I wonder if that's not more true than I can even imagine. Especially in this transformation phase, maybe it Is best if I'm single. But that doesn't make it easier to watch friends walk down the aisle... While I stand by, wondering what I've done wrong, to deserve this supreme isolation of sorts. Everyone tells me it's best if I 'stay away from the boys', and concentrate on the violin, on my career. But, to what point? At what age do I say 'oh, I've concentrated on my career long enough; let's get married!"? Thirty? Forty? Fifty?? I've always thought that if I wasn't married by age fifty, I'd give it up and stop looking. Maybe I'm overzealous. I've always wondered if I scare guys away by how much affection and emotion I feel - and very fast. I'm an emotional creature; and I love to give love - often before receiving it (but Especially after!). Guys want to feel like they're in charge of the relationship; and when women take the initiative, they back off because they feel out of control (or, at least, that's what I'm told). I guess it makes sense. The only problem is, I'm an initiator. Big time. I've always thought that it would require quite a man to be able to 'handle me'. Maybe I was more right than I even initially thought. I don't know how to be any other way, than the way I am. It's so much a part of me that, to change it would feel like ripping out the rug from under my own feet - a change in self-image and identity that I don't want to make. I like the way I am. In fact, I Love the way I am. And I think someday, a man will love the way I am, too. I just... Haven't found him yet.
