I've postponed practicing all day. There's so much work to be done... Where is my energy? Where is my drive? If I was in love, I'd have more energy. Maybe. I wonder sometimes if I could ever fall in love with the violin again. That passion seems like the furthest thing from me - so distant it remains only as a vague memory; something I haven't really seen with my own eyes in years. I cannot remember what gave me passion. I can only remember what took it away. Will I ever reconcile with practicing when I don't want to, when I don't feel like it? I feel so behind, and the more I try to catch up, the faster I burn myself out and slow myself down even more. I often secretly envy those who are constantly falling - who never seem to fall out of love with it. And I wonder, am I doing something wrong? Is the answer so obvious I just can't see it? All I want is to love this like I used to. But that was when it gave me life. Now it seems only to suck the life from me. And I can't go back. I can only go forward. I'd be fine, if only I could figure out what that meant.
I'm a grad student now. The expectations are much higher for me. But does a degree make a person more - more than they already are? Maybe by the end of the program. But I don't feel any more capable of handling stress and pressure - not to mention emotions - than I did before. I expect so much from myself, even without consciously thinking it or saying it. Bad lessons, excuses (even realistic reasons), and not practicing when I don't want to are no longer okay. I feel less and less human, the longer I push myself along this path. When did this become the wrong way...? For surely if this was right, I would not suffer so. I thought this was my destiny. If it's not... What do I do now? Is it just a phase? Or is God trying to tell me it's time for something different? I don't want to quit. I want to finish this degree. But how much of me do I have to sacrifice, to kill... Before I finally lose the desire I'm still struggling to regain...?
