Child Prodigies

I would not change my life - not any of it: how I grew up, who my parents were, how much money they had, or the circumstances which I have endured from beginning to where I am.  I look at children who have been given 'everything' money and fortunate circumstance can afford, and I think... someday the smiles in their photos will be tainted with the disappointment which broke all of our hearts, that one day when we realized that life wasn't going to turn out exactly how we hoped.  Your next thought would be that I am jaded - that I see life as a terrible thing, and that we should not disillusion children with dreams and silly things like that.

And you'd be dead wrong.  Because even though I know that life is, at times, agonizingly painful... I still dream.  I still hope.  And I view life not as a terrible thing, but as a gift.

Yet I would not go back in time and be a child prodigy for all the money in the world.  The fact that I did not reach the pinnacle of my technical abilities on the violin before the age of ten encourages me, instead of the opposite.

On Sunday, I had my last degree recital, to cap off my college career and my Masters degree requirements.  As I have told all who came (and those who couldn't because of the terrible weather), I couldn't be more happy with how it went.  Did I make mistakes?  Of course.  I missed notes that I've never missed, and if my hands were not shaking (for the first time out of excitement instead of anxiety) I would not have missed in performance.  But all that aside - because in my mind, all of that is secondary - I believe that for the first time, I was able to let go... and allow my own voice to come through.  Friends who came told me the same thing, and that's when I knew... there was no going back.  This recital - though at the end of a degree, an end of a chapter of my life... is not really any sort of end.  It is the beginning - the beginning of a new courage I have found in myself, to further sing the song that I, alone, have been given to sing.  What is in my heart must find its way out... and the strength I needed was there all along - I just didn't know it until recently.

I would be lying if I said that my inner journey in the past few months has not been a spiritual one.  If ever I had felt a 'calling' in life - other than my violin - it was this one.  God was waking me up from a sleep I'd allowed myself to fall into, especially since my ex-boyfriend broke up with me.  I'd had my heart broken before, even by the same man... but this time it was different.  Something inside me that was beautiful and precious had been crushed - what a torture-master would call 'breaking' someone.  I lived without hope, and was without end cynical.


This journey of sorts began in December.  I woke up one day... and realized that - though my friends all saw me as a happy and upbeat person... I didn't feel that way inside.  I wanted to be the person others perceived me as; somehow, I knew that deep down, they had seen a glimpse of a truer me... and for the first time in my life, I was willing to do whatever it took to look at life differently - what I saw as a complete 180 from the attitudes I had taken toward everything in my life, especially things I viewed as obstacles.  And, I knew I needed this change because Everything in my life had become an obstacle.  I looked forward to nothing; I dreaded everything.  And I could no longer stand to go on living that way, thinking that way.

Changing the way one thinks... it's even harder than you'd imagine.  But I had God on my side, and a real desire to look at life as a gift, instead of a curse.  It was a slow evolution, essentially teaching myself to re-think the things I went through, every moment of every day.  And when Lent came around... it only seemed natural to take the next step - not just think optimistically, but to see everything (circumstances, people, etc.), whether happy or difficult, as something God was within.  I was suddenly aware of God in everything I did, where I was not previously aware - in practicing my violin, washing my dishes, even sitting through classes I didn't enjoy.  For God has a purpose for everything which we know not.

Now, at the culmination of my recital and of Lent, I find myself a changed woman - not that I haven't a tendency to tap my toe impatiently during class when I'm bored from time to time... but I yearn for every day to come Equally as much as I love every moment - and how much more awake I am now.  The sky seems bluer, and every day is an adventure, where you never know if you'll come back to your room at night the same person... and surely we all know that one day we will walk out our door... and never return again.  

Deep down I am an adventurer - I have long craved the battles and excitement of a life not my own...  To fight for something worthwhile.  In this recent sojourn, I have finally found a battle worthy of me: the fight against every force in the world that doesn't want me to shine this light God has given my heart to show the world: my confidence, in being the truest form of myself without apology, without hesitation or reserve... to be vulnerable, damn the consequences.  To be this person which God has made me to be - that is a fight enough, perhaps, for someone else.  But I find deep within the desire to lead others to this same freedom I experience.  And I love doing things that are 'exciting', it's true... but there is something inside me that knows, deep down... that because I am who I was meant to be - not perfect until the next life, but still possessing a heart full of good and full of love - I have all the excitement I need.  I am free to live, aware and present to all the people around me who need someone to care, need someone to listen and to love them.  I am aware of all the beauty in the world that God has placed around me... and to all the places where God has put need around me - need that I was destined to fill.  Every day is an adventure - every day has become exciting.

I find I can no longer bear to say 'I can't wait'... except in rare cases now - because after all, I still have dreams!  But I find the phrase almost distasteful at times.  For so many people wish their lives away, living for a future that never comes... for today is the future we wished for - and if you are still wishing for tomorrow you will never be satisfied.  We cannot change the future.  We can only hope to affect change, for better or worse, in this moment, right now.  

When it came to play my recital, I only had one goal: be the only person I have ever known how to be, the only violinist I have ever known how to be... the one I've looked at in the mirror a thousand times.  This is the girl I am - and all of the collective experiences in my life have brought be to where I am.  One could even say that because of the horrid way my ex-boyfriend treated me, I was able to step out of my own shadow and begin living.  No, I would not change a single thing about my life - for I have found the difficult times have strengthened me for the road ahead... and the people who have loved me, and all the good times we have had together, have given me memories that I can smile about, as I journey on.

So I will end this entry, too, with a toast: to life, as it is... to today, and to every today I shall ever live... and to my friends who read this: may you find the happiness I have finally found... and find every day when I wake, and thank God for every night before I sleep.  It is a blessed life... It is a beautiful life.

In The End - Or Beginning

I think to myself, maybe I'm not the marrying type.  This might seem like a strange way to start off a blog entry... or maybe it's not.

After a rough day, you always know who your true friends are - the people who truly care about you, and are willing to go out of their way to show you.  Sometimes, too, life surprises you with friendships you didn't want or think you needed (I say life, when I mean God).  Someone called me tonight when I didn't show up to Bible Study... and I think to myself, how foolish of me... to try and throw away such a rich friendship that God obviously had a purpose for.

But luckily for me, God always plans for the HSF - or, as I say, the Human Stupidity Factor - and I remain grateful again for the things God has given me, even Despite my HSF.

It's hard for me to be ungrateful right now, after that act of kindness.  He didn't have to call, but he did.  My friends don't have to care, but they do.  Hell, God doesn't even have to love me - but He does.  It's times like these that I think (leading back to my original topic), maybe being single isn't so bad, after all.  My friends are there for me when it counts - and I know that they are indirectly (or directly, depending on your interpretation) the hand of God reaching for me.  I am wonderfully comforted by the ending of this day.

But then I continue... I don't want to 'settle down' - at least, not in the typical sense.  I want to see the world... play my violin and tour, doing whatever genre suits me from one day to the next.  And the thought of living in one place for the rest of my life...  I don't know.  Maybe it has too much of a feeling of finality in it.  I don't particularly want security, either.  I see security more as chain-bonds: a way to make life simple and predictable.  In truth, security is nothing but an illusion - and in any case, perhaps I am too afraid to be tied down, limited, and inhibited from doing what I love most (whatever that may include as the years go by).  I don't want kids, and I know that's a huge reason in why people get married, too.

All I wanted, in marriage, was to fall in love, and stay in love the rest of my life.  Perhaps it seems silly, but, in this moment... that's true.  I fell in love with music, and with the violin, so long ago - and though there are hard times, I find that ultimately, I know I'll always be in love with it.  (Another gift of God.)

And... they often say you can never really know someone.  If that's true... then what is marriage for?  Given all of my desires, I wonder if I was even meant for it to begin with.  A man has never loved me - maybe that's a sign; maybe it's that I haven't met someone who wants to leap into the same shared adventures as the ones I'm living.  Because ultimately, Giacomo (my violin) will go with me wherever I go... but he'll never be a hand to hold, or arms to envelop me.  And in all of my world travels, wherever they may take me... my joy will only go so far as the person I turn to, when I see something beautiful or amazing, to smile... and see a smile in return.

But if I may be so bold, and truly take to heart the consolation - nay, love - in it... I say, if God has shown me something beautiful... it is already a shared experience.  I am not alone... and at least for now, I have accepted the terms of my existence - with acceptance for the past, joy for the present, and hope for the future.

As Thoreau put so eloquently... "We need the tonic of wildness... At the same time that we are earnest to explore and learn all things, we require that all things be mysterious and unexplorable, that land and sea be indefinitely wild, unsurveyd and unfathomed by us because they are unfathomable.  We can never have enough of nature."

So, with that, a toast: that life may always satisfy some of your desire, and some of your curiosity - but not all of it; for without these longings, we are beasts, or we are dead... and no longer the hearts and souls of which true adventurers are made.