In The End - Or Beginning

I think to myself, maybe I'm not the marrying type.  This might seem like a strange way to start off a blog entry... or maybe it's not.

After a rough day, you always know who your true friends are - the people who truly care about you, and are willing to go out of their way to show you.  Sometimes, too, life surprises you with friendships you didn't want or think you needed (I say life, when I mean God).  Someone called me tonight when I didn't show up to Bible Study... and I think to myself, how foolish of me... to try and throw away such a rich friendship that God obviously had a purpose for.

But luckily for me, God always plans for the HSF - or, as I say, the Human Stupidity Factor - and I remain grateful again for the things God has given me, even Despite my HSF.

It's hard for me to be ungrateful right now, after that act of kindness.  He didn't have to call, but he did.  My friends don't have to care, but they do.  Hell, God doesn't even have to love me - but He does.  It's times like these that I think (leading back to my original topic), maybe being single isn't so bad, after all.  My friends are there for me when it counts - and I know that they are indirectly (or directly, depending on your interpretation) the hand of God reaching for me.  I am wonderfully comforted by the ending of this day.

But then I continue... I don't want to 'settle down' - at least, not in the typical sense.  I want to see the world... play my violin and tour, doing whatever genre suits me from one day to the next.  And the thought of living in one place for the rest of my life...  I don't know.  Maybe it has too much of a feeling of finality in it.  I don't particularly want security, either.  I see security more as chain-bonds: a way to make life simple and predictable.  In truth, security is nothing but an illusion - and in any case, perhaps I am too afraid to be tied down, limited, and inhibited from doing what I love most (whatever that may include as the years go by).  I don't want kids, and I know that's a huge reason in why people get married, too.

All I wanted, in marriage, was to fall in love, and stay in love the rest of my life.  Perhaps it seems silly, but, in this moment... that's true.  I fell in love with music, and with the violin, so long ago - and though there are hard times, I find that ultimately, I know I'll always be in love with it.  (Another gift of God.)

And... they often say you can never really know someone.  If that's true... then what is marriage for?  Given all of my desires, I wonder if I was even meant for it to begin with.  A man has never loved me - maybe that's a sign; maybe it's that I haven't met someone who wants to leap into the same shared adventures as the ones I'm living.  Because ultimately, Giacomo (my violin) will go with me wherever I go... but he'll never be a hand to hold, or arms to envelop me.  And in all of my world travels, wherever they may take me... my joy will only go so far as the person I turn to, when I see something beautiful or amazing, to smile... and see a smile in return.

But if I may be so bold, and truly take to heart the consolation - nay, love - in it... I say, if God has shown me something beautiful... it is already a shared experience.  I am not alone... and at least for now, I have accepted the terms of my existence - with acceptance for the past, joy for the present, and hope for the future.

As Thoreau put so eloquently... "We need the tonic of wildness... At the same time that we are earnest to explore and learn all things, we require that all things be mysterious and unexplorable, that land and sea be indefinitely wild, unsurveyd and unfathomed by us because they are unfathomable.  We can never have enough of nature."

So, with that, a toast: that life may always satisfy some of your desire, and some of your curiosity - but not all of it; for without these longings, we are beasts, or we are dead... and no longer the hearts and souls of which true adventurers are made.