Cynicism & Me

Guys want kids.  All of them.  At least, all that I've met.  So when it comes to this, I feel ultimately isolated.  I'm that girl that husbands talk about leaving to get the woman they settled down and had a family with - the one who 'didn't want kids'.  It's a deal-breaker; it really is.

I'm a woman.  Thus, I'm supposed to want kids.  Is that... it?  You take one look at my gender, and you automatically make that assumption?  And THEN, you judge me for not wanting them?  How dare you.

Every guy you meet will tell you that there are guys out there who don't want kids.  I hate that sentiment.  It's clear that they're trying to make me feel better about being 'different'.  What they're really thinking is, 'good luck ever getting married, sister'.  And you know what?  They're right.  Hell, I guess I should just give up on marriage already.  What a stupid hope, for someone with such a strong personality as me.  Men don't want a strong woman; they Say they do, but they really don't.  They want a woman who's good in the kitchen, good in bed, and bears their children.  Oh, and she's human.  Forgot about that.  Because when you're a woman, and these are your basic expectations, you do tend to forget that what men want is a human being.

And though I can get my hopes and expectations set too high at times, I am pretty realistic when it comes to 'real-life' guys.  I talk big for a little girl; I'm an idealist, what do you expect?  Maybe that scares guys off.  But that's the thing: guys are supposed to be conquerors, right?  So... why am I still standing here on the sidelines?  Oh, that's right: I'm 'different'.  (I.E. I'm picky.)

I don't expect the world from a guy.  But I Do hope that he will try and give me what he feels is even more than my worth.  I do want a guy to be romantic with me; no, I don't mean romance-movie romantic, but hell, roses never hurt a guy, right?  But my personality just isn't conducive to it.  I'm just not anyone's ideal.

I keep waiting for him to walk through the doors and into my life - the guy who's looking for a girl just like me.  But it's not happening.  I have doubts about the benevolence of life.  I don't Have to get married, or meet someone and fall in love.  Just because I want it, does not warrant me getting it.  And higher expectations doesn't mean finding someone great.  It means spending your whole life alone.  God doesn't have to bring me someone so I'm not alone.  Who knows if I'm even the person He made me to be?  God loves me; why isn't that enough for me?  Who cares if I stay a virgin the rest of my life?  I never wanted intimacy anyway... (sarcasm)

Somewhere in the midst of an oncoming hurricane, my ex-boyfriend is laughing.  Because even though I was a great catch, he dumped me and he's going to find someone.  And I'm still standing here alone.  To say life isn't fair is an egregious understatement.  Life is a screw-over, big time.

Unfortunately, I garnered more of my father's personality traits than my mother's, which means I have a tendency toward negative thinking - and for voicing every single thought in my head, damn the consequences.  You don't want to hear any of this.  But here I am, saying it for an audience of no one, as usual.

When I told my sadistic ex that I didn't think getting married meant settling down, he was surprised.  That's another thing that's different about me.  Sure, getting married is the end of being single, and the end of certain forms of independence.  But it's also the beginning of so many shared adventures, travels, experiences, and emotions.  It's the beginning of a beautiful love story... the stuff poems are made of.  I don't mean infatuation; I mean the things real love is made of.  I look at life from the rose-colored lenses of a romantic, and I know it.  But I don't know how else to see life.  It is, ultimately, a love story - or it is a boring set of meaningless events.  Work?  Job?  Great, who cares?  What I do with the violin is almost worthy of being called a subplot.  Sure, it's important.  But if I have not love... well, I have nothing.  At least, that's the way it feels.  (And so help me God, don't tell me I'm wrong; I've heard that so many times I could puke and that statement would come out in a bubble with the rest of my breakfast.)

And when people try and 'correct' my cynicism, I only get more angry and withdrawn.  I feel I have not resolved anything.  I believe it was Henri Nouwen who said something to the effect that true friends should sit with one another in the not-knowing.  I don't need to be told I'm wrong about guys.  Just be with me in my suffering, which I have shown to be as plain as day.  I don't know why I even bother posting on Facebook.  All anyone cares about on there is a superficial image that you're supposed to put up: that you're always happy.  And when you're not, no one wants to hear about it.  Well, I'm sorry I'm not Ms. 100% Content.  I was this close to deactivating my account today, because of the superficiality.  I'm so sick of it.  Everyone else's good news just makes me more pissed off.  Oh, and I love all of the engagements and marriages.  Salt, in my wounds.  Time for a Facebook hiatus.

No, I don't need to be told I'm wrong about guys.  Hell, I think I'm spot on, in some regards.  No... I'm waiting for someone to Prove me wrong.  But guess what?  I'm happy, and I'm unhappy; and if you can't love (or even like) all of me, then it's time we parted ways.  And no, I'm not sorry.  I am unapologetically and unabashedly me.  I just wish a man other than God would fall deeply in love with that 'me'.

Thoughts

I was on a plane last week, and I sat next to a lady who was clearly the arm of God reaching out to me.  We talked for a while about God and spiritual things, and I could hear God's voice telling me that He wasn't done with me yet.  'You think you're done, and you have no more left in you; you think your life is over.  But I say, I will finish the work I have started in you.'  That's what I heard Him say, in the after-silence of that conversation.

It gets me to thinking about how one event can change everything in someone's life - for better or worse.  One April night, almost seven years ago now, I met a man who would cause me five years worth of heartbreak, pain, anger, frustration, disappointment, bitterness... well, you get the point.  If I had never gone to that recital...

The point is not the regret itself, but the impact of one, singular event.  Chance meetings become relationships, which lead to happiness or regret; and one day, they become history, and we must deal with the consequences either way.

Sadly, it is not possible to live a life without regret.  Mistakes cannot be avoided.  We take chances in order to find love; and sometimes, we find only pain, instead.  But sometimes, when we are out of hope - but only rarely, because life isn't like a movie, where someone always comes along just when the pain begins - something happens to lift us out of the fog we've fallen under.  I don't know how long I've been in darkness; sometimes it seems like my whole life.

I don't know the plans God has for me.  He isn't required to write me a love story of any eloquence, or bring along a man who would be as romantic and determined as I am.  My heart is not healed.  I'm not ready to get back on the horse, so to speak, when it comes to love; maybe by the time I am, it will be too late.  I'm already twenty-five; and this society has a way of making me feel like an old maid.  By now, many of 'the good guys' are taken (and happily taken) by women who decided they wanted a family instead of a career.  I live in the darkness of my regrets because I live a life of duty and obligation, when all I want is to live as a young person - full of impulse, ready to take on the world and explore all of its wonders... before I get too old.  Time is passing, and all I do is the work required of me; I'm so tired... and because I feel so tired, I feel even more old.  Young people don't resign themselves to fate; they make fate their own.

So what do I really want?  I want to walk away from everything I've worked so hard to gain.  I want to be married, and married happily; I want to be in love for the rest of my life.  I want to play the violin the way I want, and not have anyone dictate to me week after week every way I am not doing it right.  I want to live somewhere where winter temperatures average about 50 degrees as a high, and drive my car with the top down in January just for the hell of it.  Screw insurance benefits - I never get sick, anyway; I want to freelance, make my own schedule, and sleep in until 10 am every single day.  (Well, Almost every single day...)  I want a simple life - a house in the country, some cats outside on the porch, and lots of people around who genuinely care about me.  I don't want to disappear into the background of some orchestra's vast numbers, or have a career that makes more money than the difference it makes in the lives of others.  

I'm tired of learning what other people tell me to learn.  I want to learn on my own terms.  This last year is by far the hardest.  I can see the end... and it can't come fast enough.

Wasteland

I hate Facebook.  That is to say, I hate looking at the (girl) friends in my life who have either blossomed into beauty, or have increased in beauty.  And I hate looking at people's statuses about how in love they are, or how happy they are with their someone.  I hate it all.  They are all a bitter reminder that, when I go home at night, I am alone... and there is no one there to tell me they're in love with me, or that I'm beautiful.

My beauty is for nothing.  That is to say, what beauty I have.  Some days I am astonished at how much more beautiful I am now, than I was in my younger days.  And other days, all I can do is stare in the mirror and wonder how other women managed to get God's blessing... and I just missed it.

If a tree falls in the woods, and no one hears or sees it, did it still fall?  And if I am beautiful, but no one sees it, am I still beautiful?

I am a warrior.  I am ready to do battle, with my sword and shield, against evil men, demons - hell, even the devil himself!  I am ready to fight for what I believe in.  Cursing out demons in my head just... doesn't cut it.  There's more to me than the image you see when you look at me.

I dream of two things: being in love, and being a warrior.

In real life, I am neither.  Ask me again (I dare you), how I'm feeling today.  How am I feeling any day of the week?  Without purpose.  Aimless.  Tired.  Sad.  Lonely.  Angry.  Frustrated.  Worn out.

God is not obligated to lead me to 'true love' - if 1) such a silly thing actually existed (and not just for other people, but for me); and 2) I believed I were actually able to fall in love again (which, thanks to my asshole ex-boyfriend, is less and less likely by the day...).  I thought, at one point in my life, that He was obligated to do so; but He's not.  I may be single, lonely, and virginal my entire life.

I am beautiful.

But I remain invisible.

When you are young, you believe you can have it all.  But you can't.  I never had the chance to get married, but still I have regrets.  I am twenty-five years old, with one degree, still in school, still single.  I have absolutely nothing to show for all my work.  Nothing but - at the end of this year - two damn pieces of paper... and an empty heart.