Guys want kids. All of them. At least, all that I've met. So when it comes to this, I feel ultimately isolated. I'm that girl that husbands talk about leaving to get the woman they settled down and had a family with - the one who 'didn't want kids'. It's a deal-breaker; it really is.
I'm a woman. Thus, I'm supposed to want kids. Is that... it? You take one look at my gender, and you automatically make that assumption? And THEN, you judge me for not wanting them? How dare you.
Every guy you meet will tell you that there are guys out there who don't want kids. I hate that sentiment. It's clear that they're trying to make me feel better about being 'different'. What they're really thinking is, 'good luck ever getting married, sister'. And you know what? They're right. Hell, I guess I should just give up on marriage already. What a stupid hope, for someone with such a strong personality as me. Men don't want a strong woman; they Say they do, but they really don't. They want a woman who's good in the kitchen, good in bed, and bears their children. Oh, and she's human. Forgot about that. Because when you're a woman, and these are your basic expectations, you do tend to forget that what men want is a human being.
And though I can get my hopes and expectations set too high at times, I am pretty realistic when it comes to 'real-life' guys. I talk big for a little girl; I'm an idealist, what do you expect? Maybe that scares guys off. But that's the thing: guys are supposed to be conquerors, right? So... why am I still standing here on the sidelines? Oh, that's right: I'm 'different'. (I.E. I'm picky.)
I don't expect the world from a guy. But I Do hope that he will try and give me what he feels is even more than my worth. I do want a guy to be romantic with me; no, I don't mean romance-movie romantic, but hell, roses never hurt a guy, right? But my personality just isn't conducive to it. I'm just not anyone's ideal.
I keep waiting for him to walk through the doors and into my life - the guy who's looking for a girl just like me. But it's not happening. I have doubts about the benevolence of life. I don't Have to get married, or meet someone and fall in love. Just because I want it, does not warrant me getting it. And higher expectations doesn't mean finding someone great. It means spending your whole life alone. God doesn't have to bring me someone so I'm not alone. Who knows if I'm even the person He made me to be? God loves me; why isn't that enough for me? Who cares if I stay a virgin the rest of my life? I never wanted intimacy anyway... (sarcasm)
Somewhere in the midst of an oncoming hurricane, my ex-boyfriend is laughing. Because even though I was a great catch, he dumped me and he's going to find someone. And I'm still standing here alone. To say life isn't fair is an egregious understatement. Life is a screw-over, big time.
Unfortunately, I garnered more of my father's personality traits than my mother's, which means I have a tendency toward negative thinking - and for voicing every single thought in my head, damn the consequences. You don't want to hear any of this. But here I am, saying it for an audience of no one, as usual.
When I told my sadistic ex that I didn't think getting married meant settling down, he was surprised. That's another thing that's different about me. Sure, getting married is the end of being single, and the end of certain forms of independence. But it's also the beginning of so many shared adventures, travels, experiences, and emotions. It's the beginning of a beautiful love story... the stuff poems are made of. I don't mean infatuation; I mean the things real love is made of. I look at life from the rose-colored lenses of a romantic, and I know it. But I don't know how else to see life. It is, ultimately, a love story - or it is a boring set of meaningless events. Work? Job? Great, who cares? What I do with the violin is almost worthy of being called a subplot. Sure, it's important. But if I have not love... well, I have nothing. At least, that's the way it feels. (And so help me God, don't tell me I'm wrong; I've heard that so many times I could puke and that statement would come out in a bubble with the rest of my breakfast.)
And when people try and 'correct' my cynicism, I only get more angry and withdrawn. I feel I have not resolved anything. I believe it was Henri Nouwen who said something to the effect that true friends should sit with one another in the not-knowing. I don't need to be told I'm wrong about guys. Just be with me in my suffering, which I have shown to be as plain as day. I don't know why I even bother posting on Facebook. All anyone cares about on there is a superficial image that you're supposed to put up: that you're always happy. And when you're not, no one wants to hear about it. Well, I'm sorry I'm not Ms. 100% Content. I was this close to deactivating my account today, because of the superficiality. I'm so sick of it. Everyone else's good news just makes me more pissed off. Oh, and I love all of the engagements and marriages. Salt, in my wounds. Time for a Facebook hiatus.
No, I don't need to be told I'm wrong about guys. Hell, I think I'm spot on, in some regards. No... I'm waiting for someone to Prove me wrong. But guess what? I'm happy, and I'm unhappy; and if you can't love (or even like) all of me, then it's time we parted ways. And no, I'm not sorry. I am unapologetically and unabashedly me. I just wish a man other than God would fall deeply in love with that 'me'.
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