I feel overwhelmed just titling this post. Because, with a title like that... well, it's got to be good, right?
It's amazing - and strange - looking back at things I've written, even just a few years ago. Am I the same person? The short and easy answer is no. I'd like to think that if you'd told me all the things, good and bad, that I'd go through in these past three years while I've been at IU, I'd still take it on in a heartbeat... but of course, that's speaking from who I've become - not who I was.
I feel I'm a stronger person. I'm still a fighter, as I've always been... but one could say I've added more moves to my arsenal. I'm better able to withstand the stresses of everyday life, and my violin performances are full of life - but not just life; they are fully my own. I'm better at enjoying life, and truly experiencing it in the now; no more living in the past or completely in my dreams. My faith and trust in God is stronger than before - not because God has changed, but because I've recognized that everything happens for a reason. And that reason is part of a greater purpose God has for my life. I see things not as I saw them before - but with eyes more equipped to see what God sees, instead of just what I see.
And you know what? I'm still single, just like I was when I got here three years ago. Only now, I've learned to enjoy the freedom and simplicity in being single! Not that I don't want a relationship - of course I do; what is all the adventure in the world, without someone to share it with? But after having been rejected time and time again, I realize that the time hasn't been right - and it's still not right. I'm content with my singularity, knowing that when I meet the right guy, I'll never turn back to this status I now cherish.
The people I have come to know in my short time here have left me with indelible imprints; surely I will not forget them and the friendship they have given me. The smiles that we traded that eventually fade from our young faces remain in our hearts forever.
I'm sometimes surprised at how open I was - how willingly I shared intimate details of my heart with people who (in retrospect, I think) had no business knowing me so deeply - before I came here. I'm not sure exactly when it happened, but something made me more selective. I'd say guarded, but that's not the right word for it. I've learned how to better judge who is worthy of knowing me, and once I trust someone deeply, they are in my inner circle - and most likely, they know that they are privileged.
And thank God I'm over that guy I had it So bad for, all those years. How many days, weeks, months, Years I wasted on a man who couldn't even bother himself to give me the time of day... Every once in a while, I still find myself unable to resist the occasional jab at his expense; after all, what's the fun in life if you're mad all the time? I hold nothing against him, except that such men shouldn't be allowed to exist - for all of womankind's sake. What gives any human being the right to be so cold-hearted and cruel? I still think it would've been so much better if He'd been the one standing on top of the bomb recently placed at the end of the Boston Marathon... but I digress.
I can't honestly say with any certainty that I know more about men than I did before - clearly my track record doesn't give me any proof of improvement. I still get confused as to whether a guy likes Likes me, or whether he's just flirty with every girl; and frankly, I hate being confused. No one ever tells you, when you're a little girl growing up in this crazy world, that men are confusing, too. Hey guys, before you even speak one word to me, can you get your signals straight? THANKS! (Wish I could wear that sign around my neck, haha...)
But there is a sadness in me. Soon I will be gone from this place. The chair where I sit will remain cold and empty; and the room around me will be bare... all of my things will be packed in boxes hundreds of miles away... the walls will no longer echo with my chatter or my laughter... and the tears cried here will be only a memory contained within walls that will never speak of them. The friends I leave behind will walk past my door and remember when I was here. They will go to the classes we took together and notice that I'm not there, even if only for a little while. The friends who leave with me to go our separate ways may never see me in the flesh again. Life is strange... who knows if one of us will die in a car accident the day after graduation, suffer a heart attack, or be shot to death in a violent drive-by.
One day, the calendar I keep will contain no more dates... no more appointments. The to-do list will be put to rest, completed or not. Will I have time before the end, as I do before this ending, to reflect on all the things I wished I'd done, and the void I will leave behind in the hearts of those who have allowed me into their lives?
Because with every ending, there are regrets. I can name a few off the top of my head. There was a concert one of my teachers gave. It was my last chance to see him play in a recital before I graduated, and I knew it - and somehow, I chose not to go. I can't even remember now what stupid assignment I decided to do, instead. He's up there in age. Maybe it was my last chance in all my life.
And then there was a get-together one of my friends was having. I'd promised I'd come, but at the last minute I cancelled because I thought the weather was so bad I couldn't drive. It made me feel just as lame as the excuse sounded. I doubt he holds against me... but whatever thing I chose to do instead - again, seems stupid in retrospect.
And, well, I certainly regret not watching Iron Man sooner, but... I think I'll survive that one.
Above all, I have always regretted chances not taken. If I made a mistake along the way, I can live with that. What I can't live with... what I can't look in the mirror and stop hating... are all the times when I chickened out. The times when there was something in front of me, and when the train began to move, I didn't stick my foot out and take that train. I'm an opportunist. I don't live life on the sidelines - I move with it, and within it.
What can I say for the future? In a few more years, I'll look back and think how naive I am now. I hope that I'm even stronger in being myself, and bolder in taking chances. I hope someday I learn not to be afraid of looking like an idiot. And I hope that someday, if and when I'm finally able to allow my heart to fall in love again... it'll be because he fell first.
I cut out an ad I saw in a magazine and taped it to my daily calendar, and I think it's a good way to end this entry. This is what it says:
"Take a journey.
Take a chance.
See possibilities.
Give hugs.
Run a race.
Run the washer.
Run the gamut.
Pause.
Breathe.
Live fully.
Love completely.
Live your dreams.
(and then, my own addendum:)
Be unstoppable."
So I go forward now, with this sentiment strong in my mind. I wish for time to stand still, and for my strength and youth never to fade; for I cannot fathom my misery when they start to fade. I wish to leave the world changed... to leave an imprint that isn't simply washed away in the sand with the coming of the tide... to experience love in every beautiful aspect... and at the end of my life, to stand on top of the mountain that is everything I am and everything I've done, and thrust my sword into the sky. Victory... victory and strength, to the last.
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