Today I went to a masterclass here at IU, given by my former teacher from Oberlin Conservatory of Music - Milan Vitek. And as I was smiling in remembrance of all the wonderful time I spent studying with him, it suddenly hit me: he'll never be my teacher again. That time, that I went to his office for weekly lessons, and went to studio class in Kulas Hall... is gone forever. Along with so much of my youth.
And don't give me some lecture about how "I'm still young". I'm well aware of that. And yet... I'm also aware that I'm not young anymore. The responsibilities that come to rest on my shoulders grow in number every single day. The real world is finally knocking at my door. And all I want to do is run like hell.
I live every moment with the knowledge that in just a few minutes - just a few hours, days, years and even decades - it will live in my mind only as a memory of a time long past that I cannot go back to, that I cannot revisit, except in vague pictures my mind can sometimes recall. Some moments I will never remember again. Moments of great beauty, and even moments of great joy... Lost forever, to the cruelty of my terrible memory.
Sometimes I think life is awfully anti-climactic. You pray and hope and wish and weep for what you most desire, perhaps for years or even a lifetime... And then, maybe you get it; maybe you don't. If you do get it, it's never quite in the beautiful, elegant, or spectacular way you imagined. And if you don't get it, all you can dream of is getting it. Life is incredibly mundane, in that way; the transcendence we crave can only be found in the un-reality of movies, books, and music - and perhaps sometimes the beauty of nature and the world around us. And a part of me has not yet come to terms with the mundane-ness of life. I want more, and I don't know how to 'settle' and be content with this life.
And I know, I know - it's the next life we're supposed to get all the excitement in. Really? Really?? Wow. Okay, I guess that's great, considering the next life lasts forever, and this one doesn't. But, then, what to do with this life, and all its troubles and questions? Faith is simple and faith is beautiful and faith is nice - but even the Bible says that hope deferred makes the heart sick. I don't know what I'm asking for. I don't know what I'm waiting for, or even what I'm hoping for. And in a whisper, my heart says... more.
I want what I can't have. I want life to be transcendent. I want to fly above the trees, fight a sword and shield battle as a warrior of old, find out I have an incredible hidden power (instantaneous healing and claws like Wolverine would be diesel; or maybe if I could do the things Gandalf did in Lord of the Rings), save the world, be a secret agent... I want the love of a lifetime - romance in every form - and the perfect man (Whoops! Don't tell my boyfriend I just wrote that; he's pretty close, though...). I want dreams to come true... Not the half-disaster my life has turned out to be.
Who knew fear would be such a formidable enemy, that I could not defeat even with all the heart and strength I thought I possessed? Who knew that the people in my life would hurt me, cut me so deeply? Who knew that falling in love was more likely to make me feel like I was dying, than living...? Who knew it was even possible to worry about everything - while not even consciously thinking about all those worries? Before too long, you wake up in the morning and mistake the light for dark, because you're so weighed down with the dark things - anxiety, fear, anger, weariness - you carried yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that.
If I made a list of things I'd learned in college - hell, even in just the past year or two - it'd be longer than this post will be at its end. But probably the most important thing I've learned in the more recent past is that you're never too far gone for God - never too far gone for redemption. Every day can be made new. And since none of us know when today could be our last tomorrow, that's more of a blessing than we realize. I don't know how or when I learned this, but somehow I know better than to take life for granted. Maybe I hope that the people in my life who matter most will also realize this (because undoubtedly if I matter that much to them, too, they will spend more quality time with me). It's not life that changes who you are or how you think; for better or worse... it's you.
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